Archive | July 2012

Fat Pains

July 11th 2012-Diet Day 3

In the middle of a heat wave I found myself staring and being tortured by a fucking snowball. I’m not kidding. Do you ya’ll remember snowballs? Marshmallow center wrapped with a chocolate cake layer all engulfed in a coconut flavor. Do they still even make those?! I don’t know where the fuck my dad found them. But, he came home with snowballs, coconut chocolate patties, zingers and devil dogs. Frustrated, I told him to stop buying junk. He responded asking why. So I told him I’m on a diet. To which he responds “ I’m not… I’ll let you know how it tastes” and shuffles off. I had to resist the urge to throw a hostess cupcake at the back of his head.

It’s become a routine. I’m eating pretty mundane. Cereal for breakfast or oatmeal. Fruits as a snack. Lunch I usually do a salad or my dad bought these portioned cups of rice. Put those suckers in the microwave for one minute and I have veggies on the side. Then dinner I do a salad with something for protein, either eggs, tuna or baked chicken (I seasoned it with pepper, garlic powder and lemon juice). Sometimes, I swap a salad for a peanut butter sandwich. I’m throwing the low carbs into my diet plan. So if I eat it, I try to eat it early. But, I actually like fruits and veggies so this diet hasn’t been a bother to me.

The hard part? Picking at food. I’m a picker. When I cook, I usually pick. Even something as simple as mac and cheese. Taste test the noodles. That sort of stuff. When you’re cooking , even if it’s simple stuff cause I can’t really cook cook, you’ll be surprised by the amount of stuff you put in your mouth. Also, I add shit to everything. I’m cutting out the additions we usually put in stuff maybe without even knowing, the condiment and extra seasoning. You’ll be surprised about the fat and calories in that stuff. The habit is hard to break.

And I miss not so much the snacks, but the process of eating a snack. Like sitting down to watch a movie and nibbling on popcorn or working your way through a bowl of ice cream throughout the whole thing. Junk food just last longer. I miss that motion of putting shit in my mouth. I tried to replace it with stuff like watermelon and carrots. Something chewy and takes a while to eat. But, the mental conversion hasn’t clicked yet. I feel like I’m missing something. My mouth feels like its missing something.

I’ve been going to the park, my secret garden, every day. But today, my knee started to ache. My fitness guru said it’s just because I’m fat. ..joint pain from all the impact of working out. I agree with him. Who would of guessed, fat pains. It’s amazing how oblivious to my weight I had become. I just thought I was active… always on my feet… always walking around… doing things non-stop. But, since I actually started doing this 4 mile( 3mile) walk every day, power walk mostly, I can feel the difference. I wasn’t active before. I was just moving about.

So I dusted off my ol’ exercise bike that Omar bought me two Christmas’s ago. I didn’t know it at the time of purchase, but it’s actually a rehab bike. It’s supposed to be low impact and low stress on the joints and good for people with injuries. I clambered my way up onto this bike hoping to rehab my knee a bit since stretching wasn’t doing swat to help.

And another slap to the face, I struggled to use the bike. When I first got this bike, I was about the same weight give or take a few pounds. I could sit on that bike for 40 mins at a time. My knees and muscles were screaming within the first 40 seconds. But, I baby pedaled for 2 mins at a time, pedaling forward than taking a quick break and then pedaling backwards. After the initial shock, my legs started to loosen up. My knee actually was less sore.

Feeling good about myself I showered and got ready to end the day. But, I was still angry every time I opened the fridge and saw all that junk food. I wouldn’t even be thinking about it, but then I would open the fridge to get a drink or prepare my meals, or feed my dog or get something for Omar. Honestly, I open the fridge so many times a day, it just happens when you are getting things not only for yourself but for your dog, father, and fiancee and preparing meals for the household as well. There is a reason why people tell you to get rid of all the junk food in the house when you’re on a diet. You do well when you don’t have to see it every day.

So I cheated. I figured I would get it out of my system before I found myself binge eating one of every single junk food in the house ( which included but not limited to: cupcakes, devil dogs, zingers, snowballs, coconut patties, cake, ice cream, ice cream bars, cookies and chips). I had a devil dog. My point that most of this is mental… the cravings disappeared not only for that night, but in the days coming too. It was like a switch was flipped. I think I did well with allowing this one cheat, even 3 days in. It broke the cycle and penetrated that mental barrier. 300 calories well consumed to give me peace throughout my diet days. Allowing myself to eat that devil dog, mentally allowed my psyche to think it won the protest. My inner rebel was proud and finally shut its stinking mouth and went to retreat somewhere back in the depths of my mind. Finally, at least, I had some peace from the voices. Might of loss a small battle, but gained a edge in winning the war.


Schizo Stride

July 10th 2012- Diet Day 2

I didn’t wake up sore. Which I thought was a fucking miracle and a half.  I had my coffee and cereal and got dressed to go to the park.  It is summer time , and a heat wave. So it’s a bit cooler in the mornings.  But, the heat didn’t bother me much. I think it’s actually helping. Sweat out some water weight. If I sweat, I feel productive. Like I’m accomplishing something.  Maybe I’m silly. Who knows.

But, I was still nervous. I didn’t have confidence of my ability. So I did what any normal person would do. I took my dog. Guess I was trying to hide behind my 9 pound Pomeranian.  What a punk I am.

And it wasn’t a good idea anyway. Don’t know how many times I had to stop so she can pee in a bush.  And she tired out on me. I know she is little. But I put her to sit on a bench and she jumped off and she just wanted out of the trail. So when we hit the halfway point she saw the road exiting the trail and this little dog high tailed it. She has a lot of pull for a little dog. Once we were outside on the sidewalk right next to traffic…she laid down. I had to carry this little dog home.  That has to count to weight training right?

By the time I got this little dog home… I was over being angry at an interrupted work out but most importantly being insecure.  Something about being in the trail, seeing every one of all shapes and sizes and ages in which they are engrossed in their own thoughts or work out. Or they smile at you like you have a shared secret. And we do.  It’s a secret garden.

Plus, carrying a medium size dog walking down a populated main road for 15 blocks…it just does something to get over  the “everyone is staring at you” feeling.  Cause they were.  Come on, we all would. If I would of seen a person with humidity frizzed hair wearing an obviously makeshift work out outfit carrying a dog in a heat wave… yup I would of did a double take too.  And I didn’t feel self-conscious anymore.  If people stare, it isn’t the end of the world.

Like in the trail, you will see all kinds of funny stuff. But when it comes down to it. All you think of is
“ good for them, out here working out”. My second day and I was already over staring at people.

I gained a little confidence and with that I found my stride.

And stumbled a little bit (mentally) when I got home and found my dad has stocked up on junk food.  It made it harder to open the fridge and ignore the wonderful chocolate gooeyness. Especially when working with a limited amount of diet food, or even healthy food.  I wasn’t even thinking of junk food or things I’m not going to indulge in anymore, until I opened that fridge and saw it there. It was like a tease.  But, the funny thing, I don’t even eat that much junk food regularly. I don’t even drink soda…unless there is rum in it. But it was like the rebel in me was awakening; wanting to resist being told what it can or cannot eat.

Geeze day 2 and I’ve already heard more voices in my head than a schizo.

But, thinking of the walk I had, with confidence I was able to close the fridge and go about my day quieting the voices of protests going on in my head.

But,I went to sleep that night fighting cravings. Saved by sleep.  If only tomorrow I can be so lucky.


July 9th 2012- Day 1
So I woke up July  9th 2012 already starving…and I’m not a breakfast person. Typically, I would wake up and drink 2 cups of coffee before I even start thinking …of anything. But, I always end up eating something big.  Bacon and eggs anyone?

If I have errands or appointments for the day,   I just skip food for most of the day.  Which is terrible for a person like me that has a slow metabolism.

But today, I woke up starving.  My guess? My mind knew I was going to start a diet and was already siking myself out. Remember how I said this is also mental? Watch out for the mental challenges a health routine throws out. They are far harder to overcome than the physical. My mind, always a rebel. Can’t really blame it. That’s my nature.

So I ignored the voices in my head and the grumble in my tummy. I made my coffee. I absolutely refused to give up coffee.  ( Later I found out the coffee itself is good for you, the caffeine in it speeds up your metabolism, it’s the stuff you put in it that you have to be careful for) I did try however, to put just a splash of milk and one sugar. Not used to it. But drinkable. Then I portioned out a cup of honey nut cheerios. I splashed milk over it, putting as little as I could, but enough to moisten the cheerios.
*My suggestion, if you can afford milk alternatives. Use it. But, I’m working with groceries my parents buy. I would really like to try the almond soy milk. I heard its good for you and taste good too.   *
My goal for my first meal is mostly portion control.  Actually that’s the goal for my whole diet. Portion everything. Try to follow the serving sizes and a ball park guess of the calories, fat, sodium and carbs you are consuming.  Try to achieve a balance.  Adjust it to your body…because everyone is different with different needs.Most importantly, try not to starve.
I quite enjoy cereal in the morning to be honest. It can be sufficient enough to satisfy you.
After that I went about my day. When it was lunch time. I ate a salad. However, I used ranch dressing. It’s not ideal. But I don’t like the “good” dressings , the vinegar ones. I can’t stand vinegar. So again, I just portioned out the dressing with a measuring spoon. Around 3 I was starving so I ate a banana.
I did my chores and cooked dinner for my family in which I would not be eating.  It helped to keep busy. Keep your mind distracted. But, cooking dinner for my family.. yeah day one and it was already getting old. Preparing something I would not be eating? Yeah. The love was just pouring out of me.
Then the moment of truth rolled around, 6 o clock. I made plans with my cousin to go up to the park and walk the trail. It’s a road actually. A road with the woods on either side, and google says it’s about 2 miles in length. So my guess is its four miles back and forth. But, don’t quote me on that. My workout guru said he thinks it’s more like 3 miles.  Either way, it’s hilly with roads that wind and twist and turn and it’s a good work out.  So off to the park I went.

And I felt like I was going to die.

I never felt like a fat person. I thought I was active. I walk everyday to the avenue to do errands, go to the bodega.  I walk my dog several times a day.  But, most importantly, I don’t sit on my ass all day long. I run a household.  I clean. I cook. I do chores and laundry. I’m always doing something. I”m all over the house, running around like a chicken with its head cut off.  Also, I have been care-taking for the past two years. So I’m always hunting down my father or my grandfather and end up helping them with whatever scheme they are doing for the day.  Not to mention recently my mother has lost her goddamn mind. So I’ve been doing ridiculous cleaning and packing for a move, a move that isn’t happening for 2 years.

But boy was I wrong. It was shock and saddened me greatly. Plus, I really felt how bad my lungs were. My cousin and I power walked the whole trail and I was breathing like a beast.
I felt so very out of shape and my heart just damn near broke. We were just walking, a brisk walk yes, but walking nonetheless.  A walk was a strenuous work out for me.  Are you fucking kidding me?  It was a reality check. More like a bitch smack right the fuck across my face.

When I came home, I was starving.  I ate another salad but with two hard boiled eggs this time, advised by my cousin(lets just call him my workout guru, different cousin than the one i walked in the park with).

Afterwards, I was beat. I showered ,walked my dog and  was ready to crawl into bed.

But, I couldn’t help feeling so sad.  So I sat and thought about it. I went outside and did a work out. I dieted all day.  I shook off the sadness and replaced it with pride. I would use this reality check as motivation. I don’t want to feel like that ever again.  I followed through with day one of my health thing and it felt great.  Both emotionally and physically. Yes, I was fucking tired. But at the same time I felt my lungs awaking and eager.  I felt muscles in my body I haven’t felt in a long time. My body was dying to break free.

And in the mist of the chaos of my life , I found a sublime retreat for my mind in the wilderness of forest park and  my body finally got a chance to stretch its legs.


I woke up Monday July 9th 2012 thinking two things.  One, how can I back out of this? Two, I really want to do this. Needless to say, I felt a tad bit bipolar.

You see for a while now, I have been wanting, needing, to get healthy. Today was the day I planned on starting a health routine or what I’m calling my health thing because I simply do not know what the hell to  call it. But, I’m so frustrated with it.  I’ve dieted so many times, faithfully too, in which no results were produced. I worked out before. I tried all kinds of weight loss methods. Hell I even went to the doctor wishing there was a reason I wouldn’t lose weight. “Please lord let the doctor tell me my thyroid is slow or my metabolism doesn’t work!!”  I just didn’t want the hassle.
Or maybe disappointment.

When you mention you’re on a diet everybody and their mother comes out of the wood works and simply KNOWS what’s best for you. Nothing annoys me more than a skinny bitch telling me how to diet. I mean I lose more weight in sweat in the heat than this bitch weighs soaking wet.  And while I love my friends, and appreciate their advice, this isn’t about them. Furthermore, I’m not even talking about them… I’m referencing the Facebook friends, or sometimes friends or family members. All of a sudden everybody is a nutritionist and all of sudden people want to speak to you again, “encourage” you when in reality they are fake and would love to see you fail. They just want to look you up and down and belittle you so they can feel better about themselves. Fuck that. I can’t be bothered with all that.

So what’s different this time? Why bother to try again? It’s simple: I’m not trying to lose weight!  Take the expectation out of the scenario.  I’m just doing what I think is good for my health, physically yes, but mostly mentally. I need to feel productive. So, I will eat right, eliminate vices that are killing me, and work out. Make things less complicated.   It can be that simple.

And I’m keeping my mouth shut. I told two friends, maybe three, and my hubby (and a few days later my cousin who is my work out guru) .  It feels awesome. I’m doing this for myself, not other people.  So there is no need to proclaim on facebook “ hey I’m on a diet!”.

So why the blog you may be thinking.  I’m not a hypocrite. I want to share my experience. I want to document it.  I also want to write again. I’m hoping writing this diet blog, I”ll get back into the groove of writing and continue other writing projects I started and never saw through. Like I said, this health this is more than just physical. I want to follow through on SOMETHING. I need it mentally just as much as I do physically.

Those were the mistakes I’ve made in the past, caring about the wrong things for the wrong reasons. I cared about losing massive amounts of weight. I cared about people looking at me and saying “Oh, you lost lots of weight!”. I cared and cared and cared and for what? I realized it’s not about losing a ton of weight. Big, small it doesn’t matter. I’m sure I will drop a few pounds here and there if I stay on this healthy path. But I’m not expecting too. I’m not expecting anything. It’s not about what the scale says.  I just want to stay on this healthy routine, diet and exercise and giving up things in which are bad. Like I said, it really is that simple.  Want to be healthy? Do healthy things. Take the numbers out of the equation. It doesn’t matter what the scale reads.

So I’m ready. For me. To give up expectations. To worry less. To care less. To take care of MYSELF. To be healthy…and not expect or anticipate things to come in terms of my actions.

Let’s un-complicate matters. Let it be just that simple. Be healthy. Do healthy things.

Let’s riot the traditional way of dieting.

It’s time for a change. I’m a plus size woman. Age 24. And I’m fighting back against the conventional sense of beauty. I”m big and I’m beautiful.  The number on the scale isn’t my issue.The issue is  i FEEL I’m fat  and have more jiggle then sizzle and I’m sluggish..and THAT needs to change. And I’m going to do it the best way i know. Diet, exercise …. rebel style … an all out riot against the way my life has become.




~wandering through life in my time never know where it will stop next~


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