Fat Pains

July 11th 2012-Diet Day 3

In the middle of a heat wave I found myself staring and being tortured by a fucking snowball. I’m not kidding. Do you ya’ll remember snowballs? Marshmallow center wrapped with a chocolate cake layer all engulfed in a coconut flavor. Do they still even make those?! I don’t know where the fuck my dad found them. But, he came home with snowballs, coconut chocolate patties, zingers and devil dogs. Frustrated, I told him to stop buying junk. He responded asking why. So I told him I’m on a diet. To which he responds “ I’m not… I’ll let you know how it tastes” and shuffles off. I had to resist the urge to throw a hostess cupcake at the back of his head.

It’s become a routine. I’m eating pretty mundane. Cereal for breakfast or oatmeal. Fruits as a snack. Lunch I usually do a salad or my dad bought these portioned cups of rice. Put those suckers in the microwave for one minute and I have veggies on the side. Then dinner I do a salad with something for protein, either eggs, tuna or baked chicken (I seasoned it with pepper, garlic powder and lemon juice). Sometimes, I swap a salad for a peanut butter sandwich. I’m throwing the low carbs into my diet plan. So if I eat it, I try to eat it early. But, I actually like fruits and veggies so this diet hasn’t been a bother to me.

The hard part? Picking at food. I’m a picker. When I cook, I usually pick. Even something as simple as mac and cheese. Taste test the noodles. That sort of stuff. When you’re cooking , even if it’s simple stuff cause I can’t really cook cook, you’ll be surprised by the amount of stuff you put in your mouth. Also, I add shit to everything. I’m cutting out the additions we usually put in stuff maybe without even knowing, the condiment and extra seasoning. You’ll be surprised about the fat and calories in that stuff. The habit is hard to break.

And I miss not so much the snacks, but the process of eating a snack. Like sitting down to watch a movie and nibbling on popcorn or working your way through a bowl of ice cream throughout the whole thing. Junk food just last longer. I miss that motion of putting shit in my mouth. I tried to replace it with stuff like watermelon and carrots. Something chewy and takes a while to eat. But, the mental conversion hasn’t clicked yet. I feel like I’m missing something. My mouth feels like its missing something.

I’ve been going to the park, my secret garden, every day. But today, my knee started to ache. My fitness guru said it’s just because I’m fat. ..joint pain from all the impact of working out. I agree with him. Who would of guessed, fat pains. It’s amazing how oblivious to my weight I had become. I just thought I was active… always on my feet… always walking around… doing things non-stop. But, since I actually started doing this 4 mile( 3mile) walk every day, power walk mostly, I can feel the difference. I wasn’t active before. I was just moving about.

So I dusted off my ol’ exercise bike that Omar bought me two Christmas’s ago. I didn’t know it at the time of purchase, but it’s actually a rehab bike. It’s supposed to be low impact and low stress on the joints and good for people with injuries. I clambered my way up onto this bike hoping to rehab my knee a bit since stretching wasn’t doing swat to help.

And another slap to the face, I struggled to use the bike. When I first got this bike, I was about the same weight give or take a few pounds. I could sit on that bike for 40 mins at a time. My knees and muscles were screaming within the first 40 seconds. But, I baby pedaled for 2 mins at a time, pedaling forward than taking a quick break and then pedaling backwards. After the initial shock, my legs started to loosen up. My knee actually was less sore.

Feeling good about myself I showered and got ready to end the day. But, I was still angry every time I opened the fridge and saw all that junk food. I wouldn’t even be thinking about it, but then I would open the fridge to get a drink or prepare my meals, or feed my dog or get something for Omar. Honestly, I open the fridge so many times a day, it just happens when you are getting things not only for yourself but for your dog, father, and fiancee and preparing meals for the household as well. There is a reason why people tell you to get rid of all the junk food in the house when you’re on a diet. You do well when you don’t have to see it every day.

So I cheated. I figured I would get it out of my system before I found myself binge eating one of every single junk food in the house ( which included but not limited to: cupcakes, devil dogs, zingers, snowballs, coconut patties, cake, ice cream, ice cream bars, cookies and chips). I had a devil dog. My point that most of this is mental… the cravings disappeared not only for that night, but in the days coming too. It was like a switch was flipped. I think I did well with allowing this one cheat, even 3 days in. It broke the cycle and penetrated that mental barrier. 300 calories well consumed to give me peace throughout my diet days. Allowing myself to eat that devil dog, mentally allowed my psyche to think it won the protest. My inner rebel was proud and finally shut its stinking mouth and went to retreat somewhere back in the depths of my mind. Finally, at least, I had some peace from the voices. Might of loss a small battle, but gained a edge in winning the war.


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