Get Fit, Not Numbered
Diet Day 8 July 16th
I haven’t had a feeling of accomplishment in a long time. Sure, I’m productive and helpful. But, it’s usually for OTHER people. Not myself. So I woke up today with a great sense of fulfillment. I’ve done something for myself. I successfully completed week one of my health thing. It’s only the first week. But, the first week is the hardest right?
Now, I want to talk about an issue. More specifically, an object.
I didn’t weigh myself before I started this health thing. I weighed myself maybe two or three week before. Well, I weighed my dog. And I heard a way to get a accurate reading was weigh yourself, then weigh yourself while holding the dog and then take the difference for the weight. But, I ended up weighing myself and the number on the scale haunted me for a few days. While I did have issues with the number on the scale, I just want to be clear, it’s not the reason I started my health thing.
I’m not on a weight loss diet. It’s not about losing a specific amount of weight. Or reaching a goal weight. I don’t have a desired size I want to become.
However, I do need to lose weight to accomplish what I do desire…being fit. My ultimate goal is be physically fit. I want to have more stamina, flexibility and durability during a workout. I want to not have to worry about what shoes I wear and being out of breath, or counting stairs. That’s no way to live. I want to live a productive life, an active and productive life. To do so, I will need to get the weight down. Weather my pursuit of physical fitness brings me to the skinny side of the scale or not doesn’t really matter. But, as of now, at this weight, I’m already having physical complications. Even in working out, I can’t physically train or do certain exercises and workouts. I had to google “exercises for fat people” and “beginner work outs for obese people”.
I’m not making excuses. I just want my readers to know, I don’t want to obsess with reaching a specific number, losing a specific amount of weight. So, I debated long and hard about doing this , and posting what I’m about to post. But, after a chat with my fitness guru, I decided I had too.
Every Monday, I’m getting on the scale. Today, one week complete, I pulled out the scale. It told me I was minus four pounds from my last known weight. I never really voluntarily got on a scale before. I even remember my last doctors visit, he weighed me and I closed my eyes and I told him I don’t want to know the number. He laughed at me thinking it was a joke. I was dead serious. He shook his head when I got off the scale and crossed the room so I couldn’t read the fine print of the doctor’s scale. I was always haunted by the number on the scale.
I’ll be lying if I said I still wasn’t, and was completely free of that issue. I’m not 100% over it. But, I’m in a MUCH better place with “the number”. I’m slowly coming to terms that numbers don’t matter. My ultimate goal of activity and health is what matters. No number can put value on that. The day I’m able to jog along the coast of the beach… that is worth so much more than anything a scale can read.
However, my fitness guru talked me into stepping on the scale as a measurement of understanding my body. He told me “it’ll be stupid if you’re doing things one way and it’s not what you’re body needs. How would you feel if you work out and diet one way for a month with no improvement?” I think it’s true. At this stage in my fitness and health ( or lack off) seeing the numbers on the scale is a good way to know and understand what is ( or is not) working for you. If you’re gaining or stuck at the same number, obviously something you’re doing needs to change or be adjusted. So, I’m getting on the scale each week as a means to measure my progress ( or lack of progress).
I just feel so horrid though, using a scale. Because regardless of my own past issues with the scale, I really and truly believe the number shouldn’t matter. I don’t want to send any of my readers a negative message but more importantly I dont want to send myself that message especially since I’ve had issues for a long time. It took me all these years, but I finally and truly get it now. The numbers shouldn’t define you. YOU and what you DO should define you. Being obsessed with the numbers is just falling into the stereotypical trap of what society deems beautiful. You can be beautiful at any size, any number.
I never had self-esteem issues or self-confidence issues. Narcissism is too ingrained in my blood for that. I never thought I was ugly and “no one would want me”. But, i did have insecurity with the fucking number on the scale. I did feel people stared at me. It didn’t make me want to go home and cry and eat a whole chocolate cake. I would just shake my head and go about my business. But, writing through this blog and evaluating this whole number and scale issue has been good for me emotionally and mentally.It was a reminder to understand what it is I want to achieve. It has reminded me it’s not about the numbers, it’s about the faith you have in yourself. The desire to want to take care of yourself and invest in yourself and your own future. You need to believe in your own self-worth, at any number.
So i sat down and thought, If I don’t love myself, trust myself and believe in myself …then it doesn’t matter. Numbers won’t change that. I will always be unhappy with myself.
Beginning the 2nd week of my health thing, I’m anything but unhappy with myself.