September29th 2012 – Thought for the day ( not diet related).
There is something in the air today. I was chatting with a friend early this morning talking about I think it’s time.
And it is.
We’re quitting vices ( i prefer to keep what it is private, nothing crazy, normal stuff). And personally, i believe broke people shouldn’t have vices. But the hubby just walked into the room and says ” it feels like a new day… like things are going to start getting better”
I couldn’t help the smile that crept up. I was responding to him ” I hope so” when he says “LISTEN LISTEN YOU HEAR THAT”
We stop and listen.
Birds were chirping and singing.
We smile at each other. The hubby says “Hakuna Matata” and leaves the room , and I’m left with a smile on my face.
It reminds me of the a few weeks ago i was walking to the store when a bug flew RIGHT into my face and fell onto my chest ( tee shirt was covering my skin). It was a lady bug. Lady bugs are supposed to be good look. Momentarily stunned, the lady bug just laid on my shirt and I didn’t want to flick it off , thus flicking off the good luck. But my heebee jeebies for creepy crawlies overpowered and as I was about to flick it off me, it got up and flew away. I walked home thinking “Shoot, I don’t mind getting slapped in the face with some good luck right about now”.
I don’t expect random salvation. But, today we feel….hope. And belief. It’s been a long time .
But, it’s a brand new day. On this dark, chilly, fall day things are starting to look bright.
Day 45 Monday August 20, 2012 – Day 51 Sunday August 26th
I started going to the park again. It wasn’t as consistent as before, but it was frequent and something momentous happened.
Remember a few weeks ago I mentioned I jogged for the first time in …forever? Well, that was short lived. My knee started to scream and for a whole week I was walking around like Doctor House. I was gimp and walking like a pimp. When my knee finally stopped hurting I wanted to jog again. But, under consideration and talking to my fitness guru about why my knee even got hurt in the first place, I decided against it. Why? Well, because we decided it was just too much too soon. I was just too fat. Too much weight and pressure on my already weak knees. Which is why I got so hurt. I’m not talking about regular work out pain, I’m talking about my knee was hurting so bad it brought tears to my eyes. I had to double wrap it and alternate between heat and icing it. So for the past couple of weeks I settled for a consistent power walk. I walked as fast as I could, never faltering from the pace.
So Week 7 and I was mid power walk in the trail in the park when I see a girl. She looked young. Maybe my age (24). She was twice my size, literally. And she was jogging.
Now, I mean this respectfully- but I saw her and thought she was much bigger than me how does she do it and I can’t (I know everyone is different, but still)? So I’m walking and thinking and walking and thinking and I came to a conclusion. From Monday’s weigh in I lost a total of 25 pounds since week one. That’s 20 pounds lighter since I jogged and got injured. I feel stronger and feel like I’ve acquired more stamina. And that’s a lot less weight on my body and hopefully on my joints. If this girl, twice my size, can do it… why can’t I?
So, I just tried it and I jogged. But, I did it right this time. I didn’t full out jog with all my speed and might. I took small steps and at a moderate but consistent speed and jogged slowly but steady. It was incredible. I jogged further and longer than I ever have and I didn’t feel strain on my knees and joints.
Seeing that lady jog really gave me a push. I know it sounds bad “she’s fatter than me, so I can do it” but I mean it in a good way. I’m honestly happy for her and her abilities. I don’t begrudge her or look down on her. But there is a difference from healthy, slim people telling you what to do to exercise and lose weight and someone who is fat, big or obese doing something. It’s instructional. It’s motivational. It’s encouraging. Most of all, it’s the push you need. Confidence building. WE can do it ( note the capitalization and significance of WE).
I’m just thankful I saw her. I could have been looking for a song on my ipod and never saw her. I could of left earlier or later to go to the park and missed her completely. The lady herself probably had a long road to that moment too, maybe she finally gained the confidence to go out in public alone and work out. So many factors. But, we both were there at that moment in time at the exact same time to share a smile and unknowingly to her, motivation. If you’re a religious person this is where you can insert your divine intervention. But, for me. I’ll just take the gift as is. Acknowledge it, accept it and be thankful for it.
Thank you, lady in the park.
Day 39 Monday August 13th 2012 – Day 45 Sunday August 19th 2012
Something happened this week. It started off slowly and I only recognize it now while looking back to write this entry. My heart wandered away from the fierce motivation and dedication I have been harboring since week 1. It went where it always goes- to my fiancée.
Monday, I stuck to the diet plan mostly and even worked out lightly on the bike. But, like I said, my heart wasn’t into it. My nerves were a wreck and I was so filled with anxiety and anticipation.
It must be that time that.
Doctor checkup time.
And it was. Wednesday the fiancée FINALLY had all his appointments rearranged. It’s been hell and nonstop issues and stress with his insurance/benefits/ disability. But, his insurance was finally fixed and I was able to commit to his MRI’s/blood work/doctor checkup routine appointments.
Naturally, this is where my focused diverted every waking moment. As the appointment date grew closer, I grew more anxious. Never fails. It’s all internal of course. But, writing this blog and reflecting I realize that’s what took my attention away from myself. My heart and mind and soul was filled with worry for my love. Running through all the scenarios, preparing for anything the doctors may throw at us, we have been blindsided before. I think its more of a defensive mechanism. Worry, stress be upset or even cry if I need to…because once inside the doctors office we have absolutely no clue what can happen. For the past two years we have been told some wild things ( yes , even wilder than a cancer diagnosis ). Believe it or not, never once have I cried in a doctor office. Maybe a tear or two while transferring rooms. But, never cried or lost my cool. I need to be clear and level headed both for the doctors and for my hubby. If something is wrong, arrangements need to be made and to do that efficiently and accurately I need that focus even if its forced.
So, I go through my pre-doctors mourning stage. Updating and doubling checking Omar’s medical book, making a list of all his health mishaps and symptoms since we’ve last visited the doctors. Cancer. It sucks. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish regular sickness from cancer sickness. Sometimes, more often than not, they overlap. Sickness is usually caused because of the cancer. But, it all has to be relayed.
This got more cancer- y than I expected. Didn’t mean to go off topic and divulge so much. But, Monday and Tuesday was filled with this. Wednesday was the actual appointments, and for once everything went smoothly and quicker than usual and we didn’t get heart crushing news. Disconcerting, yes. But, nothing bad and even some good…they even lowered his medications dosage!
But, I don’t regret the lack of exercise. I mostly stuck to the diet, I don’t recall cheating (Nothing written done in my notes either, I’m usually good with that but then again I was otherwise distracted). Plus, I exercised other mental demons. Which is just as detrimental to your health as food.
Thursday started with a much lighter mind and heart. I was freer of mind but so worn out from all the mental turmoil. So my bestie came over and we went to the park together. We actually decided to go off the main road and try the hiking trail through the woods. It was a MUCH better work out and the seclusion away with my bestie was a godsend.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday I went to the park everyday but I started straying from the diet…mostly because my mother cooked. Hey, Guyanese food vs diet. Even if I wasn’t on a diet …to pass up a home cooked West Indian meal? It’s a tough call to make.
And since my heart was battered this week, I just didn’t have the fight in me.
I just wanted a lazy few days of absolutely nothing but trash TV , my love and my dog.
Even if the doctor didn’t prescribe this , I was taking it anyway.
Just wanted to take a moment to thank my readers. I see my site stats, so I know people are lurking around, hopefully reading. Thank you for taking the time.
This is the first time I opened up any of my blogs/writing to the public or at-least to people I didn’t personally know. I was nervous and iffy about it, but haven’t been let down. Sure I got some spam comments, but WP is good with putting it directly to spam to await my evaluation of it. My other blog, my personal blog, I was recanting events-mostly the events that unfolded with my hubby and his cancer- and I was basically talking to myself cyber-ly. Because of that ,i fell off in writing. I lost incentive. I have a paper journal, i know what happened in my life, so what was the point in blogging about it? But, I started this new life venture and made this new blog and half way through i made it public. Each day i log on and see views on my blog or a new follower and it makes me feel good. The motivation to keep writing and updating comes from my readers. So, silent readers, thank you.
With that said, I appreciate the interest in my writing. I don’t mind if you are a silent reader. But, I welcome your commentary be it positive or negative. No need to be shy.
Happy writings everyone. I will be updating later on day …lazy stay at home and write day… so stay tuned.
Days 23 July 30th 2012-Day 29 August 5th 2012
I bit into a plum and it was an odd color. I have been food shopping ( or my dad has) at the same store every week. I widened the fruits and veggies I eat courtesy of this diet. But, my go to fruit is a plum. I’ve been eating the “white “ plums. You know when you bite into it the inside is this juicy pale color. So I bit into a plum and it was red. I was mid-3rd bite before my brain even suggested that it’s a different color. I looked at the plum thinking if I should be worried all while going for the 4th bite. I casually ask my hubby who was lying next to me if something was wrong with the plum without really stopping from eating it. Rotten or not( and truth be told) I was going to eat it anyway. Diets will do that to you. The picky eater is no longer so picky.
But truth be told, in the fourth week of my diet and I was enjoying the process. It’s become a routine. True, at times I felt very robotic. But Monday as I stepped on the scale and saw an additional 4 pounds drop off the scale I was frolicking throughout the day. Literally. Like a broken record I’ve been saying it’s not about the numbers. But, it’s a beautiful feeling to have the energy and ability to frolic around my house if I feel so inclined. And boy did I ever. I haven’t felt pride in myself in a long time. Now, I had many reasons to indulge in the feeling. Yes, the pounds are slowly lowering, but my spirits and my stamina are rising each and every day. That is truly worth it all.
Back to the plum. I wrote an entry a few posts back about my fitness guru telling me to cheat and eat some candy for the sugar. Well, the sugar deprivation/withdrawal hasn’t been bad for me. My diet, especially this fourth week, is mostly lettuce and fruits. For my dinner I include veggies and something for protein if needed. Fruits (my fruits of choice are watermelon, cucumber, melon and yes plums) have natural sugar that are sufficient enough for your body’s needs. Plus, I have been trying out Truvia. It’s a natural zero calorie sugar substitute without those harmful chemicals and preservatives. I use one packet in my oatmeal in the morning. And two packets in my coffee. I think I’m thoroughly sugar coated enough.
But, I’ve gotten used to the diet routine, sometimes it’s like I’m on autopilot.
“ I can’t eat that.”
No fuse. People in my household almost completely stopped offering me stuff but I no longer want to rip their head off from eating it in front of me and offering me a share. Just a simple and automatic response “ I can’t eat that” really does the mind wonders. The power of saying no and making the choice leaves me feeling empowered, not deprived. Of course the cravings are there sometimes still, but not bad at all. I don’t even long for the treats. I fear I am no longer the fierce rebel diet girl. I’ve crossed over to the dark side….
I have been deprived of the park though. I used the exercise bike at home all week. The beginning half of the week I was actually putting it good bike time/ calories burned. The later half of the week not so great.
But, sufficient enough.
So, four weeks on diet and exercise. What to do now? I’ll tell you what. Keep going. I decided before i even started this diet I would reward myself for the milestones ( month markers) and I picked the most obvious treat…
Oh lovely booze. Sue me, I like to drink. I’m gifted( though my wallet will disagree) with a high tolerance so I’ve never been the sloppy drunk or anything. But being conscious of not drinking for over a month ( I didn’t binge drink or anything before I started this diet) , I was skeptical. Mostly, I was thinking of all the calories. Yes, I was. Shocker I know. But I just couldn’t shake the thought a beer can be up to 300 and something calories. That’s a meal. I much rather be full than wastefully consume those extra calories. So I wasn’t 100% I actually was going to treat myself.
But, I went to a block party ( my aunt’s block). And they had booze. I didn’t start off drinking. In fact I said no for a while. But then I got bored and made myself a drink. Then I thought I would get my money’s worth and made another and another and another. I lost count of the amount of drinks I made. It was vodka mixed with slushie ( we had a slushie machine). So it was a double whammy to my diet. But it was delicious and I loved it. I was nice and tipsy and I was having a great time being out even the parts I hid in the backyard to play with the dogs all by myself away from the crowd.
So the fourth week of my diet I have gained confidence, my sanity, a routine, pride in myself, increased stamina and energy, and a total weight loss of 15 pounds. I earned a treat, so I gave myself one. Without regret or mental lapse in confidence. It’s like I’ve been saying … I want to get healthy, be fit to live life without restraints. I want to diet to live, not live to diet.
Just a quick update with a funny.
Saw this on facebook
What’s your diet plan eh?
Day 15 July 23rd 2012- Day 22 July 29th 2012
I wrote an entry about getting fit, not numbered. I stressed the importance of not galvanizing the scale. To place the obsession on being healthy, not the number on the scale. I still believe this. But, I have to admit, knowing I worked hard exercising and eating right, I’m actually excited for the “weigh ins”. I don’t want to seem like a hypocrite. I’m not looking to lose a specific amount of weight, or reach a goal loss at the end of each week. I just want to be aware of my progress. Plus, it’s liberating. I used to hate getting on the scale. I can’t recall a time when I was happy, elated even, to hop on the scale. But, now I am.
The start of my third diet week, I was minus an additional 3.5 pounds. This is where I want to talk about numbers again. Before, many many times before, I dieted and dieted to no avail. In retrospect that’s not exactly true though. I always thought a plus size person should be able to produce those BIG numbers.So when I saw the weight was the same or only minus .5 pounds or a pound I thought my diet had failed. I thought since we have so much more weight, more can fall off and then our weight can be like a ticker counting down. Why? Well because I’m one of those people that watch all the fat shows. You know the fat shows, “Heavy”, “The Biggest Loser” , “15 and Obese” ….hell even shows like “Ruby” and “I Used to Be Fat”. We watch those reality shows and see each week the contestants get on the scale and their minus pounds are double digit numbers. Yes, it can be achieved, but that’s not real life.
Lets put it in perspective, the contestants are working on the show for 3-6 months depending on the show, paid for doctor advice and nutritionist diet advice with diet plans and gym memberships with personal trainers paid for. Depending on the show, they usually are away at a camp and work out 6-8 hours a day sometimes more. Working out that much on a real low calorie restricted diet with almost no opportunities to cheat…of course that accelerates the process a bit. What most people fail to realized, to lose weight the major factor is burning more calories than you consume. I again reference Jillian Michaels ( she is a trainer on The Biggest Loser but also a trainer with her own work out line). She is always posting blogs and facebook articles about this reference. From her findings one pound equates to 3,500 calories. So to burn one pound you need to burn that amount of calories AFTER you burn the excess calories you consumed after your BMR requirement. Your BMR is the calories your body needs to self-sustain itself. I don’t have the fancy gadgets and I don’t trust my math so my numbers in calculating my BMR is probably off, so I suggest you go and research it yourself. Just making a point, most exercises don’t burn as many calories as you think. For instance, I’ve been doing four miles at the park with the assumption I’m working hundreds and hundreds of calories. Well, according to my fitness guru and google, I’m not. Doing that power walk is anywhere around 300 calories burned. So to find time and work outs to rack up the amount of calories you need to burn isn’t an easy task. But, it can be done… in real time which is slow and steady. Cumulatively you can burn enough to drop a pound or two a week, sometimes more….but if you’re looking to drop consistently 10+ pounds a week like the TV shows… yeah that’s going to take a a lot of work and dedication. Not saying it can’t be done, just saying check your expectations.
Plus, you have to be aware of the first few weeks are easier in seeing results. Change in diet, change in activity and even biological aspects like loss of water weight are all happening which contribute greatly to pound shedding. Keep in mind, there will be a point when that isn’t enough, you will plateau.
I’m not an expert. I’m just saying. Life isn’t TV. Don’t hold yourself to the same standards.
My standards for my third week were pretty low. My knee was acting up. So I strolled in the park when I could. I used the bike the other days, some days it was a real light workout. But, I tried to stay focused on the diet. Didn’t cheat or break it and stayed real strict. I knew I was lacking in exercise so I stayed focused on eating right. I felt like a rabbit, eating lots of lettuce. But, it evened out. You have to find a balance and you have to come to terms with the results of that. In my mind, some sort of work out was better than nothing. And it is in the grander scheme of things. Like I said, it’s about getting fit and healthy. Activity no matter how small is always a better choice. It’s all about the standards of what you want your daily, real-time life to produce. Conduct yourself in a way that reaps better rewards. The overall change will add up and ultimately help you meet the ends you seeks. If we can have standards in the social lifestyle ( the class and privilege we want ) and in a potential mate in which to date, why can’t we have standards in our health? Don’t let your standards be televised. Step into the real world and invest into yourself.