Love Makes Its Better
Day 39 Monday August 13th 2012 – Day 45 Sunday August 19th 2012
Something happened this week. It started off slowly and I only recognize it now while looking back to write this entry. My heart wandered away from the fierce motivation and dedication I have been harboring since week 1. It went where it always goes- to my fiancée.
Monday, I stuck to the diet plan mostly and even worked out lightly on the bike. But, like I said, my heart wasn’t into it. My nerves were a wreck and I was so filled with anxiety and anticipation.
It must be that time that.
Doctor checkup time.
And it was. Wednesday the fiancée FINALLY had all his appointments rearranged. It’s been hell and nonstop issues and stress with his insurance/benefits/ disability. But, his insurance was finally fixed and I was able to commit to his MRI’s/blood work/doctor checkup routine appointments.
Naturally, this is where my focused diverted every waking moment. As the appointment date grew closer, I grew more anxious. Never fails. It’s all internal of course. But, writing this blog and reflecting I realize that’s what took my attention away from myself. My heart and mind and soul was filled with worry for my love. Running through all the scenarios, preparing for anything the doctors may throw at us, we have been blindsided before. I think its more of a defensive mechanism. Worry, stress be upset or even cry if I need to…because once inside the doctors office we have absolutely no clue what can happen. For the past two years we have been told some wild things ( yes , even wilder than a cancer diagnosis ). Believe it or not, never once have I cried in a doctor office. Maybe a tear or two while transferring rooms. But, never cried or lost my cool. I need to be clear and level headed both for the doctors and for my hubby. If something is wrong, arrangements need to be made and to do that efficiently and accurately I need that focus even if its forced.
So, I go through my pre-doctors mourning stage. Updating and doubling checking Omar’s medical book, making a list of all his health mishaps and symptoms since we’ve last visited the doctors. Cancer. It sucks. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish regular sickness from cancer sickness. Sometimes, more often than not, they overlap. Sickness is usually caused because of the cancer. But, it all has to be relayed.
This got more cancer- y than I expected. Didn’t mean to go off topic and divulge so much. But, Monday and Tuesday was filled with this. Wednesday was the actual appointments, and for once everything went smoothly and quicker than usual and we didn’t get heart crushing news. Disconcerting, yes. But, nothing bad and even some good…they even lowered his medications dosage!
But, I don’t regret the lack of exercise. I mostly stuck to the diet, I don’t recall cheating (Nothing written done in my notes either, I’m usually good with that but then again I was otherwise distracted). Plus, I exercised other mental demons. Which is just as detrimental to your health as food.
Thursday started with a much lighter mind and heart. I was freer of mind but so worn out from all the mental turmoil. So my bestie came over and we went to the park together. We actually decided to go off the main road and try the hiking trail through the woods. It was a MUCH better work out and the seclusion away with my bestie was a godsend.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday I went to the park everyday but I started straying from the diet…mostly because my mother cooked. Hey, Guyanese food vs diet. Even if I wasn’t on a diet …to pass up a home cooked West Indian meal? It’s a tough call to make.
And since my heart was battered this week, I just didn’t have the fight in me.
I just wanted a lazy few days of absolutely nothing but trash TV , my love and my dog.
Even if the doctor didn’t prescribe this , I was taking it anyway.