All I Got Left

[Authors Note: this is more a personal /my life entry and rant than a “diet” entry.  Didn’t plan it that way, it just happened when I started typing and I figured I would just post it.  It’s healthy to get this stuff out which is part of the whole health plan isn’t it? Part of everything I’ve been saying- it’s not just physical and about food. It’s emotional. It’s mental.  It’s spiritual.  You have to take care of yourself in all aspects to really invest into a healthy being. Writing this rant really showed me how much I keep locked away and how unhealthy it is.

Also, I know the quote is from the bible, I’m not religious…I’m a reader. I just really like the quote. ]


“And I looked,and behold a pale horse:
and his name that sat upon him was Death,
and Hell followed with him.
And power was given unto them
over the fourth part of the earth,
to kill with sword,
and with hunger,
and with the beasts
of the earth.”
The Holy Bible
The Book of Revelation
Chapter 6

This quote  is depicting the  arrival of the  Riders of the Apocalypse  and onset of Armageddon.  How fitting.  A perfect interpretation for the annual arrival of my mother’s brother for his two week visit.  Every year, it feels the same, if not worse than the previous year.   My literal feelings aren’t warm and welcoming, more like expectant.  I feel like a crusader, waiting to greet a great evil and battle for righteousness regardless if doomsday has been foretold. Dramatic, I know. But, you want honesty.

Welcome to my two weeks of hell.


My exercise routine took a great hit during this time. I spent the majority of my time playing referee. Or a more fitting description is a dog herding cattle.  I was chasing my father down half the time, trying to bring him inside the house and stop or take a break from “home projects”.

Every year this guy( my uncle) comes here under the pretense to spend time with my grandfather( his father).  But, his old ass just raids the garage and comes up with makeshift work.  This year, he decided to knock down the pool (it has been inactive for years) and knock down the connecting deck piece.  Every fucking day as soon as my mother and brother are pulling out of the driveway he is shuffling up the driveway to start working. Hammering, drilling, sawing.  Noise. For hours and hours.

Now, this is an old dude that had both right and left knee replacement surgery, heart surgery, and two strokes, one of the stroke debilitating. He isn’t allowed to do manual labor.  His wife doesn’t let him do anything but keep a little garden. Yet, he comes here and does whatever he oh so pleases.  And he has exactly that attitude…feeling he is entitled, better.

He is an ass. Even his own son doesn’t speak to him. I used to be able to ignore him for two weeks. But, each year it gets worse and worse. This year, he dragged my dad into his makeshift work and if it wasn’t bad enough he was doing this type of work, he was doing it nonstop. My father can’t take that kind of strain, especially after his heart problems/stroke.   Telling this guy to stop or no doesn’t work. Yelling doesn’t either. But if he wants to kill himself, then by all means that’s his prerogative. But, leave my father out of it.

And he steals.  Every year he raids my fiancée’s tool box. Now, as you all know my hubby  has been sick for almost two years now ( it’s a year and half ) . Last year a bunch of stuff went missing from the tool box.  I still haven’t found the tools. Can tools make it past TSA? Cause I swear he took it with him.

Well, it  happened again this year. But, the hubby locks his tool box. He puts zip ties around the hinges so it can’t open. They were cut.  The hubby doesn’t use those tools regularly…it’s his work tools. Better, higher end , durable work tools. What’s a mechanic without his tools? That’s why he keeps the tool box in the garage, under a pile of stuff hidden and locked- to preserve them. He has other tools for work that may come up, a few odd screwdrivers and hammers and ratchet set…the basics he may need to fix something on a car.  It’s not like we have money to replace stuff or buy new stuff. When he is physically able, he wants to go back to his manual labor mechanic work. He would need his tools. Now, half of it is missing.

But, what really put me over the edge. Last year when my uncle was here the hubby was still on Chemo. He was chemo sick- a really nasty stint of chemo sick actually. My uncle calls my hubby down to the garage and TELLS( doesn’t ask, tells) him to help him. My hubby politely said no and my uncle went off on him saying “What good are you”  “When I was your age I was working two jobs” and stuff that like. I was livid.
My blood boils just thinking about.
Anyway , this got more rant-y than I anticipated.

My point is, I was dealing with this for two weeks on top of stress and worry about the hubby’s benefits and his health ( he has been really sick, went 3 days without eating).  Problems and problems. Nothing can ever go smoothly.
Also, the new worry about finding a job. I was job hunting  before , true. But, not seriously.  I would apply to something sporadically. But, now  I REALLY need a job, need an income- my parents are barely hanging on by a thread. Things are tough. I want to go back to school. Well I want to go to a certification school first before I got back to finish my degree( I have an AA, I want a BA minimum  , but want to go all the way to PHD) . I want the certification to set  a foundation in a career/work experience. You see, it’s a little more tricky planning a future in my situation cause ,well ,my fiancée does have cancer. I need a sound work history, I need flexibility and I need to be able to be self-sufficient.  Hopefully not, but most likely there will be a time in our future where he is sick again and I will have to be the financial support.   But even short term, like RIGHT NOW, I need to contribute to my parents. I need to pay my way through school. I need to save as well.  Doing a certification will allow me to acquire a better job than a regular bullshit job. I’m looking into medical billing and coding…it’s a popular in demand field. But most importantly is something I can do any town, any state since moving is definitely in our future. The hubby’s parents live in Texas, my parents are moving to North Carolina as soon as my dad qualifies for Medicare OR they can afford to pay out of pocket for health insurance.  Considering the hubby’s cancer, we have to be either close to his family or mine. We will need help.

So, considering all that, now  I make sure to apply to something daily.  Seriously search and apply.
Some days maybe I spend 2 hours registering to companies or websites and applying. Other days I spent a good late morning/whole afternoon  looking ( I wake up early, not like I sleep in everyday but I have my morning routine of walking and feeding my dog, making sure my dad ate, clean up the breakfast mess and then take care of myself with breakfast and coffee).

My intention is to get any job for right now with a decent pay where I’m making more than paying for my commute to and from work.  Not looking to start off with a high end paying job, just enough to contribute a little something to my parents and pursue a certification training problem ( you have to pay for it). Once I get a certification, get a better job and pay my way through the rest of school.  Long process and it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but, the only way to get there is by starting on the journey. So every day I spend time trying.

I guess that’s all one can do.


It’s taking all I got left in me.

But, I’m trying.


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About Corner of Confessions

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3 responses to “All I Got Left”

  1. Robert Berardi says :

    Great blog Tash. Psychologically, I guess I can understand your uncle. He’s lost his purpose and is trying to do constructive things to prove he’s useful, and stealing others’ tools so he himself can be the alpha male of usefulness. Sounds like a difficult guy to be around.

    • dietriotgirl says :

      Thanks for taking the time to comment Bobby! Yes, very difficult especially for a happy go lucky person like me. To see someone so tainted… and its a cultural thing I believe, my mother is the same way. Only driven by money. No sensitivity. It’s hard to believe they even have souls. That’s no way to live. I hope i never turn out like that.

  2. how can i lose weight naturally says :

    something I’ve had an interest in for a long time.

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