Hypocrite

I”m a hypocrite. I know i wrote countless times, not to obsess over the scale, the number in which you weigh. The number does not define you. It’s all about being comfortable in your own skin, and in your health both mental and physical. I do believe this and live by this.

But, being off a diet and exercise for several months now, the scale started to taunt me.

I was scared to get on the scale and see numbers. Numbers I didn’t want to see. I was scared to see my hard work erased by each count of the ticker of the scale. Proof. Proof of the lack of effort and progress in my health.

I was scared of the scale.

Of the number. The number I may read.

I’m a hypocrite.

It took me awhile, but finally i grew  a pair and pulled out the scale. I’m ashamed to admit how elated I was when I read  it was only a plus 2 pounds since the last time I weighed myself since my diet a few months ago.

The number on the scale, be it less or more, shouldn’t have that kind of power. I let it have power, control over my mind.

After i got off the scale, i felt smug. I opened my fridge and took out eggs and sausage to cook for breakfast. I made a big breakfast as a reward.

After i stuffed my face, I said to myself what the hell am I rewarding myself for?

I haven’t worked out, a real work out, in months. I haven’t been eating healthy. Though my problem isn’t so much over eating, or eating too much, but back to the old habit of eating little all day and then one big meal , or eating late at night like when i return home from working closing.

I should slap myself.

So, I’m doing that now.

I woke up this morning and made my coffee. I ate a portioned control bowl of cereal , even though I wasn’t hungry. For lunch I had a little cup of mac and cheese. No junk food. I need to get back on track in regulating my metabolism. I need to get back on track on putting good stuff into my body. I need to take back control.

And I’m going to do just that.

I have the power.

I wont be a hypocrite.

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About Corner of Confessions

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3 responses to “Hypocrite”

  1. captaincatholic says :

    Well, sweetie pie, all I can say is “Gee willikers!!”

    I’m sure you don’t need for somebody else to tell you that you’re being super-dee-duper hard on yourself. You know that already — even if you can’t control your impulse to punish yourself.

    I got into a discussion, just the other day, with some other mental health clinicians who deal with eating disorders and I said, “It’s like shooting ducks in a barrel! Pick any young woman at random, particularly if she’s smart, particularly if her parents are successful, particularly if she grew up with the pressure to be successful herself, and you’re going to come up with an eating disorder.”

    Sad thing is, everyone thinks it’s her own fault. She’s going to look inward to find the cause of her distress. Nobody wants to come to terms with the fact that the problem is outside her and (sadly, I guess) mostly out of her control.

    Just one opinion — for you to take or leave….

    Paul

    • dietriotgirl says :

      Paul, thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving feed back. I understand your perspective and can see the truth behind it. We are all victims to cultural, societal and parental upbringing and it plays a big part in our subconscious and everyday life, even if unknowingly.

      I started my health pursuit over the summer with the goal of being able to jog along side the beach by (hopefully) next summer. I don’t have a number goal of how much weight I want to lose. I just want to be able to be fit and active. I preached and preached about not being obsessed with weight and numbers and all that nonsense. Then i found myself doing just that.I don’t have an eating disorder, just laziness. Laziness to go shop for the right healthy foods. Laziness to cook it. Laziness to go and work out. Just pure laziness. We may not be able to control so many factors of why we think and feel the way be do, but we can try our best to adjust our actions and intentions yet to occur.

  2. captaincatholic says :

    All the best. Here’s hoping for a fitter and more active YOU.

    🙂

    Paul

    P.S. I hope you will at least CONSIDER being nicer to yourself. I’ve never known anyone to become more productive by calling herself ‘lazy’….

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