Bringing down the walls

I have been  segregating my two blogs. The gig is up and the wall is coming down.

I have two blogs

Diet Riot Girl

and my personal one

Corner of Confessions

I wanted to keep them both completely separate. But, wordpress doesn’t allow it. While CoC is my primary blog, i only have one reader and I cannot separate who I follow on which profile. While technically one of my profiles follow you, in my reader it’s all the same.  Yes, i have people who solely follow one of my blogs and not the other ( that’s more than okay!). And i use my Diet Riot Girl profile for almost all my following and commenting. So, when you see the list of followers its a big jumble of diet and cancer blogs with a few writing blogs and photography blogs thrown in( And i love each and everyone!) . I wanted CoC to be the “writing” blog and  follow the cancer blogs and writing blogs with that profile and Diet Riot Girl to be just that, a diet/health/fitness blog and follow those type of blogs with that profile. But it’s all a big mess. Sometimes wordpress switches profiles on me and I comment on a blog with CoC while i followed it under Diet Riot. I know it may be confusing.

But, for now, it’s working. I love each and every follower and whichever name/profile you know me as you have  a genuine follower out of me.  But, i give up the hoax of trying to keep it all separate.

Truth be told, I wanted CoC  for the liberalness. I wanted that blog, where i didn’t have to censor myself for younger readers or family members. I started blogging on that profile a long time ago and when the hubby became ill i wanted to use that blog to share that story but then i stopped blogging all together. Then i wanted to blog about random things and i didn’t want to verve from the Cancer topic so i just stopped blogging. Then i started my health thing so started a new blog for it.

My Diet Blog  has been amazing. I seen it come alive with my small but dedicated following. It has been fabulous so far.

But now, writing again, I want to blog about random ramblings and I don’t have a place for it. A few random blogs started seeping through on CoC and now I’m so hesitant to post anything.. I want to post on my diet blog but feel it doesn’t exactly pertain to the theme.

I don’t know what to put what where. I don’t want to clutter one blog and yet I don’t want to ignore one either.


Recently, I’ve been thinking of creating yet a whole new blog. Start from scratch. Have the liberty to post about anything and everything. Completely letting ALL the walls down. But, the thing that would be different this time is I would not be linking it to my Facebook, or people i know in real life. You see weather it is my diet blog or corner of confessions there always is a little bit of holding back because I have family members on Facebook and i want to avoid the gossip train from starting.

It’s all so exhausting. That’s why i stopped blogging time and time again. Plus, i didn’t actually have actual followers and readers. Now , albeit it’s small, I do have a following and it’s completely warmed up my heart and allowed a chance for my passion for writing to peek out of its shell again.

But now, how do i keep it all organized. Obviously, the segregation has its limitation.
I was also thinking of just reformatting CoC. My Diet Blog has been going well. And I’ve been posting random bits on CoC.

I think, for now, I’m going to work on posting more diet/health stuff on my Diet Blog.
And just post everything else on CoC.

Does this work for you, my dear readers/followers?

And if I was to make a blog under a  pseudonym name, will you follow it?


Re(Acquainted ) Part Two

I’ll be honest; I’ve been putting off writing Part Two of this. I was debating back and forth if it’s interesting enough.  After all, my health this isn’t a “How To” blog.  No, word press is full of those if you’re interested. But, mine isn’t like that. So I didn’t want readers to sit here with notepad and pencil in hand eagerly waiting for all the answers, my weight loss secrets.

I don’t have the answers.

No one does.

Cause everyone is different. But, if you’re interested in the journey I am on to get healthy, fit, and eat properly. Please feel free to like, follow, comment or read along.  It may be boring at times. But, I’m having tons of fun frolicking along this journey. I hope you will too.

I started my healthy journey on a random day/week in July. I didn’t know what I was doing ( still don’t). But I boiled it down to a specific routine.

1)  Scheduling.

I would eat on a schedule.  My number one bad habit was not eating all day long then, stuffing my face with a massive meal (healthy or not). My metabolism has always been wrecked. So the point of the schedule was to help my body get the nutrients it needed, spread throughout the day, and help balance my metabolism.  After a few weeks, I felt my body change. My metabolism was working for the first time in my life. I would feel myself get hungry. I felt more energized after a meal, not wanting to pass out and sleep.  I felt good with a schedule. I wasn’t starving and it gave me something to stick too, keep from cheating.

2) Food.
I was on a very restricted diet. No junk food of any kind.  I cut down the sugar I used in my coffee down to one spoon but after a few weeks I started to use Truvia.  Low carbs. Low sodium. Low calorie. Portioned controlled. Of course I didn’t sit there measuring everything out with a scale or measuring cups. I would just be conscious of everything and limit the size. I cut out condiments. If I made meat like chicken I didn’t bomb it with spices, sazon and adobo and throw it a fry pan filled with oil like I usually do. One of my “recipes” was baked chicken breast seasoned with pepper, garlic powder and lemon juice and a splash of water (to keep if from drying out). I ate mainly veggies and would have my “load up” days. One day I would carbo load (indulge in sandwich or noodles or bread). One day I would protein load (with the chicken or turkey or seafood like tuna).  But my meal plan was pretty much the same. Oatmeal every day for breakfast.  Sometimes on occasional days I felt I was hungry or would need the extra calories kick I would fry one egg and have that on whole grain bread.  I would have a banana or fruit after I came back from my work out. For lunch I would usually eat a peanut butter (no jelly) sandwich on whole grain bread or a salad. But my salads are pretty lame and plain. No salad dressing but that was because of my personal taste, not diet restrictions. Dinner would be my big meal, weather its egg salad, tuna salad, or grilled chicken salad. It was always something for protein and lettuce. After a few weeks I started buying these pre-portioned brown rice cups…put them in the microwave for one minute and it’s a perfect single serving of rice and add veggies for the side.   Then after dinner a few hours later I would eat more lettuce or fruit. My fruits of choices were plums, nectarines, watermelon, honey dew melon and cantaloupe. My veggies of choice were broccoli and carrots sometimes some peppers.

I didn’t mind the diet. I got used to it. I wasn’t starving all the time. I didn’t feel deprived. I actually felt better.


3) Exercise.
That was a big part of the diet plan. I would exercise almost every day. I choose to go to my Local Park and use the trail… it’s about 4 miles.  I started off walking. My goal is to eventually be fit enough to jog on the beach, nonstop, along the whole coast line.  In the beginning, I just tried jogging, full throttle and I hurt myself.  I had all kinds of fat pains. So I downgraded to a power walk. After a while I got the courage again to jog, but moderately so and it was wonderful. I didn’t hurt myself.  I didn’t jog through and through the whole time. But I did nice longer sprints of jogging. It felt great.


4)  Mental.
Oh, I was a nut case. But, being on this journey made me look at myself in different ways. Like I said in part one, I don’t have low self-esteem. But, I am aware of how society and even people you know in your life, treat you differently and make judgments upon you based on how much you weigh and what you look like. Every so often, I share my two sense about that.  You’ll be surprised how much mental aspects are in play with you start down a health journey. It has very little to do with food, but a lot to do with one’s own self.


5)  Escape.
Yes, the routine and the escape gave me something to commit too. It helped balanced the chaos of my life, and just have orders to follow.  Eat now, park now, eat now , do your errands and chores, cook and clean, eat now, sleep.  It was robotic in a way but the joy of working out in a park, every work out was different. Every day was different. I did ghetto work outs at homes and silly work outs to music blasting. I had fun with it. Challenged myself. But most importantly it gave my mind and emotions a break. It let my body take over and exert itself but in a good way. I felt lighter after a workout in more ways than one.


Why did I stop?

Nothing went wrong. I just got tired.  For the first 5 -6 weeks I was faithful, strict and restricted and fully invested.  I had a weight loss of 25 pounds. I had more stamina. I could jog again for the longest I ever could. I felt really good physically and emotionally. I was proud of myself

But then each week after I lost a little bit of motivation and dedication. I didn’t outright break the diet and regiment. I just became slack. Little more each week as something new and difficult was thrown my way. By the tenth week I stopped working out regularly, as in once a week or not at all.

I think it was the 12th week I ate snack foods. I didn’t sit there and eat a whole carton of ice cream or anything. I would have a cookie here or a twinkie there.

It’s wasn’t solely out of lack of dedication or will power or tossed up to laziness. Sure, it played a part. I can admit my mistakes. But, it mostly was real life impeded on me.  Every week it was one pressing incident after another. Or sickness.

One week we had plumbing problems, serious big ones.
The next week I had women problems.
The following week I had the flu
The week after that, we had a sidewalk violation.

It seemed I lost control of my life. Each morning when I woke up something else needed my attention or I was told I would have to do this, help out with that, wait for service/repair men. It wasn’t my schedule anymore. It was forced upon me.  I had criticism from friends, family.

It was negativity all around me.

It affected me.
Like I said a lot of this emotional and mental and I was just wiped out. So I checked out.

I spent some time being mopey and whinny. I was (and am) am severely unhappy with my personal/financial life (I hate living at home with my parents; I hate the judgment and drama always surrounding us… I just want to be independent and happy with my doggie and my fiancé elsewhere. Even friendships seemed to taper off as they were no longer supportive/caring and became judgmental.

So I spent a lot of time locked away in my room with the hubs and doggie and just applying to jobs, going to job fairs, making phone calls and just online job hunting. I applied to the higher end stuff at first.  Some days I sat at the computer all day applying. A few weeks ago, I just started to apply to ANYTHING. I was avoiding retail and such. But I finally gave in especially since it’s the holidays and its seasonal hiring time. No judgmental or inferior feelings towards retail, it’s just my personality I wanted something really meaningful like working in a cancer center, or with sick children or with animal rescue groups. Even if I was the office’s go-for I didn’t care.  Those kind of fields is where my passions and heart lies and I was trying so hard to apply to jobs like that. So again,  no judgment from me, just a personal desire. But, I relented and started to apply to retail and after months of silence from the job world, I got a call back. It’s not an interview, but it’s a callback for a pre-interview interview. So that’s something. It’s a retail job. But, I’m happy about it.

So, my real life was making me unhealthy and unwilling to want to exercise, diet, plan and just all the work and energy it takes both physically and mentally. This was two weeks ago, when I stopped counting.

Last week it would have been around the 15th or 16th week I think. While I didn’t just throw everything out the window, I wasn’t really on the diet anymore. I still ate better naturally. I can’t revert back to eating whatever, whenever. I am now conscious of ingredients and calories and what it can do to my body. SO my overall choices are better choices.  But, I also tried to enjoy the little things in life. Like for my bestie’s birthday (the only friend who stands by my side through and through) we baked a cake and we ate it without remorse.

Why start again?
I feel sluggish again. I’m feeling the stamina level decrease again. I don’t want everything I worked for to be in vain and go to waste. I still have the dream of jogging on the beach and I don’t want to go another summer without being able to accomplish that.

I dedicated to grow a pair and keep pressing forward. I accomplished a lot not just with the poundage but mentally and physically. But, if the pounds matter to you , I didn’t gain anything back. It stayed off.

I now have a different heart and a different mind.  It only makes sense to have a different diet as well.

I will be starting a whole new venture, causing a whole different RIOT.

Let’s try this again



I decided to post a two part RECAP.   This will be part one and I will be re-introducing myself to my dedicated followers and introducing myself to my new followers (Hi there newbies!).  Okay, I didn’t decide this. I just started to write this recap and it turned into this. This part will be about the personal side of things. A little history of yours truly, what was going on( or what occurred)  in my life, and how this blog ( and my health thing) had its conception. ( I have a personal blog and i try to keep this one diet specific and leave out a lot of that personal stuff that doesn’t directly affect my health thing, though some if it overlaps and of course completely unrelated to anything, a entry about my dog makes an appearance every now and then )

The second part will be about the content (diet) of things. So, sit back and enjoy. Let’s get (re)acquainted.

My name is Tasha. I’m 24 years old. I’m not your typical 20 something year old. I have such a caring and kind personality. I’m not egotistical but I don’t have low self-esteem either. I’m conceited from time to time, aware of my beauty within and without. So this isn’t your typical self-loathing blog either.

A little bit about my background…. Straight out of High school (being an honor student by the way, but was that stereotypical wild party girl…Gemini at its finest… nerd by day, party animal by night) I went to a four year university and picked Women Studies as my major. Yup, I was that type of teen, an activist always tromping around Manhattan at some sort of festival, rally or protest. The girl screaming the loudest covered in pins and stickers. So, of course I would pick a major just as fitting to that wild hippy spirit.

I left after the first year.

I ended up enrolled into my local community college, switched majors every couple of weeks and finally settled on Deaf Studies. I graduated with my AA in 2010.  I only regret picking that degree a little bit, but that’s a different story in itself.

My graduation was rushed.  I would of stayed and retaken a couple of courses (I got bad grades in some science courses) and then applied to transfer to four year schools to continue on to my BA. But, I wanted to work.  Well, I needed to. My financial aid was cut, so no more free education. But, in my heart I knew I was getting old, I needed some experience under my belt( other than my volunteer/free creative writing work). But, most importantly, my dad unexpectedly fell ill. So, I knew I would be the one to be by his side and see him through.

Then, I knew I would be the one to have to supplement the income my father would no longer bring in.  You see, we live in a house, mortgage has to be paid. My mother can’t hack the bills on her own. Even with my brother helping out, we wouldn’t be able to cut it.

But first…I put everything on hold to care-take for my father. School. Work. Life.  I was never asked to do it; it was just assumed I would. But, it was MY choice nonetheless. I don’t come from a happy go lucky loving family. We care about each other, sure. But we’re not intimate.

But, if you know me in real life, you know how caring I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I care, even when I shouldn’t. I’m not naïve. I know when people use and abuse me. But, I still can’t stop caring. With my father, the decision to care take for him was a no brainer. I did what I thought was the right thing to do as a human being.

I would make the same choice over again and again no matter how bad the experience was.

When my dad was on the mend, I figured I would have my few weeks of peace. My fiancée started working again.  It was just after the holidays. It was winter. I figured I would enjoy the peace and quiet of winter and enjoying being home, being a bum  for a few weeks before I dusted off the computer and started applying to school and jobs.  After all, I never got to experience that. School back to back since high school, then the chaos of illness. So, I settled back ready to enjoy a few vacation weeks.

But not even a week into my “peace time”, my fiancée fell ill unexpectedly.  Seriously ill. In a few days he ended up having a brain craniotomy and a few weeks later learned it was cancerous. So we embarked down that nasty path.  I thought I care-took for my father… but I learned that barely touched the tip of the iceberg.  With this life path, I was far for the forthright of my thoughts and concerns. I was constantly running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  Eating? Sleep? What’s that?

I’m not blaming my caretaking duties for all my bad habits. Sure, in college I had that stereotypical bad habit lifestyle of coffee and cigs all day, late dinner probably something greasy( though I’m not a big fast food person, and I didn’t drink soda unless there was booze in it). OH and that. Booze.  But, that was during my college days. When I started care-taking, partying  was rare and far in between.  I needed to be focused and alert at all times. Emergencies are emergencies for a reason and there was many late night ER runs.  Plus, I lost almost all of my friends for one reason or another. I didn’t HAVE a person to indulge with even if I wanted too.

It’s not that my bad habits got worse when I was home care-taking. It just didn’t get better. All day without eating. Eating late. That was my worst habit. Lots and lots of coffee, little food.

For a while though, I was doing good. When the hubs was in his “aggressive cancer treatment” phase, I was on a diet and work out thing. I only managed to maintain my weight. But, that was something. Though I did give up smoking for almost 9 months ( actually short after I graduated college I gave it up)

When the hubs aggressive phase ended, my dad was hospitalized again. Severely ill.  He ended up having a mild stroke( which he stills suffers the damage from that) and open heart surgery with a valve replacement and removal of the pericardium tissue around the heart. I ended up care-taking for my fiancée while on the lesser phase of cancer treatment, but still it was active chemotherapy and many many scary moments AND care-taking for my father who needed IV medicine to fight an infection that originally damaged his heart valve.  Guess who administered the meds. Yes, yours truly( a nurse taught me how via a pic line put in ) .

Every time I think things are getting better, someone almost dies. So, needless to say I was low on the totem pole but rightly so. This is when I picked up smoking again.

But, a few months ago , I realized something. . I gained weight. A lot of weight. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I stopped taking care of myself. I lost myself, concern and care for myself, over the past few years.
I didn’t feel sexy anymore. Sure, I felt pretty. But not sexy.

That right there was the reason I was ready to cause a Riot. I fight so hard for other people. But, who will stand up and fight for me? How can I fight for my loved ones if I am not healthy? I needed to take a stand, fight back against the chaos in my personal life, and the riot in my head. I needed to put myself first for a change.

It’s wasn’t really the “a lot of weight” I gained. It was more how I felt. I lost my flare. I lost my sizzle. I felt like I was jiggle. My stamina was way down. I don’t totally equate extra pounds to lesser sizzle. It was just the combination of fitness and weight to my true happiness. I wanted to change how I felt inside my heart, my true feelings.

And my father and my fiancée both are getting stronger day by day. I can’t use that as an excuse from treating myself right anymore.

And I won’t.

Starting on random day in July, I started what this blog is all about, what I’m calling and have been calling “my health thing”.

Cause, that’s what I’m fighting for. My mental health. My physical health. My overall wellbeing. I don’t want to assign a number on the scale. I don’t believe those numbers will reflect the level of fitness I want to achieve or present the healthy food for my body I want to consume. NO.  It’s not about numbers. It’s about getting fit and healthy in all aspects. Of course, weight DOES need to come off. But, that’s not the focal point I want to promote.  This is why you won’t see before or after pictures or see any numbers about my weight. I’m not insecure or ashamed of that. I just don’t want to promote that message of being skinny versus being fat. Or being thin is beautiful and fat is ugly. Also, just because you reach this magical weight loss number or reached a goal weight, it doesn’t mean you will be HAPPY. So, I keep the numbers out of it. The only numbers you seen or will see is a tally of the pounds lost.  You can use your imagination on the rest.

My goal is to stir things up in my life, mind and heart and hopefully yours too. Together we can fight back against life and bad habits.  Cause a riot of things.
Because we’re worth it!!!!

Swift Expression Tagged

My dear “blogging sister ” has been diligently posting on her blog Swift Expressions with a wide variety of genres and thought provoking questions. Within this post, “Who can  answer this question” ,she implores the reader to look within  themselves for  answers, and none of that generic stuff. This post urges you to seek deeper, think deeper but most importatnly FEEL deeper. On her blog you can post what you wish without fear of judgement. She is asking for 3 more responses…just three! So if you have the time and if you are interested please check out her blog and article.

You can click  any of the links above or click HERE to a direct link  the blog post.

Or here is the copy  and pasted url

Her blog is titled Swift Expression and feel free to lurk around her blog if you so feel enticed. She doesn’t mind lurkers… here she says so herself in this entry.

Another update of sorts

So, i know my blog has been quiet lately, with my tech problems and all.

Also, i know my diet presentation in this blog is a little hard to follow. I have been posting mostly in  a weekly format but the dates were timed lagged from the actual present date. I started writing off my timeline about topics in general ( which is great, but again could be a little confusing) .  So, this is what I’m going to do. I’ll give a quick update of what is presently going on diet wise. Then a proposal of where to take things from here.

So quick update on the diet front:
I hate to say I stopped dieting. But, in a way i did. I haven’t been binge eating or eating fast food or excessively unhealthy foods. But, i have been indulging in snack foods and eating liberally…without the guesstimating of calories or sodium and counting and restricting. I have been making healthier meal choices  , but without all the fuss and stress. If i chose to eat a plate of WHITE rice and curry… so be it.  If i wanted to eat something , i ate it. I just tried to balance it out throughout the day.

And i haven’t gained any weight back.

But, the holidays are approaching and I want to start the restricting intense diet again… get a head start on counteracting the damaging that will ensue indulging in all the turkey madness and holiday treats galore.

But remember the goal isn’t weight loss. It’s to get healthy and get fit and that’s why I want to kick start my  health thing again. Been feeling sluggish again.  Getting tired faster. I haven’t been to the park in almost 2 weeks.   So, i already regret the slacking off in working out because it’s going to be like starting over in my training again. I don’t want to do that. I lost sight of it, but my dream of getting fit and running along the coast is still there. So, i need to stop being whinny about my personal life, grow a pair, and take my butt to the park.

And stop telling myself “tomorrow’.

Cause all we have is “right now”.  I have to start living in the now.

What to expect next:
I will be posting a RECAP. I have some new followers. I haven’t been posting regularly on the diet front. So, i think a recap will do my readers good. Plus, it’ll force myself to put things into perspective.  Admit things to myself, give me clarity of my actions ( or inaction). It’s a reality check. Hopefully mostly good, but also presenting the bad to motivate me to do better.  Overall, to help me with a NEW diet/health plan.

Because i took a hiatus from my health thing I don’t think it is accurate to keep counting from the week/day I left off. I’ll be restarting the counting.  Yup. Back to the beginning.  But, i don’t want to discredit the time/weeks and effort i put in thus far. So i will calling this PHASE TWO: Week one. Day one.

Also, i have been debating about trying some “fad” diets. But i keep coming back to “no” because most of them aren’t healthy or balanced or make you loose weight excessively fast in which you gain it all back really fast. But, I want to challenge myself and try different methods. So, I’ll let you know what i decide.

So look for my RECAP of everything i accomplished so far on my health thing. Then Look for PHASE TWO of my diet/health thing. 

I might of slipped up. Lost time. But things aren’t over. Oh no. They are just getting started…

I received a text message yesterday afternoon that repairs on my laptop have been completed and processing to send my laptop back to my local store has started. So today is Wednesday.  I’m thinking the warehouse company has scheduled drop off/pick up dates already. So I’m not narcissistic enough to believe my laptop will be the sole cargo and delivered first thing. No. I’m aware they probably are waiting for their already scheduled shipment date. Well this previous Monday, they were scheduled for a pick up from my local store. So maybe Monday is their return delivery? One week is a good turn around time right?

Update on my Personal Life:
I went to a job fair last week. It was mostly a bust. And since my laptop is off on it’s adventure the job search is kind of on a stand still. I know it’s not an excuse. I can use the PC to write this blog entry, I can use it to search for a job. Again it’s just me being whinny. Kicking and dragging my feet like a child. Cause you see i switched my job search from the higher end jobs, or the meaningful jobs I would LOVE ( working in the hospital, cancer centers, with kids or animal rescue)  to retail. Yes, I’m selling my soul.  But, it’s that time of year. Seasonal hiring.  So it’s realistic.
I got a call back too from a retail store. It’s not an interview. It’s more of an orientation, pre-interview interview screening. ( I asked if it was an private or group interview and she said neither and explained this). Basically they’re trying to weed out the candidates they could possibly hire. So after this orientation, there will be another round of phone calls in which those candidates will get a interview. And then only a handful of people will be hired from that bunch.

Oh and this past Sunday was  a street fair. And i spent it with the bestie. We had so much fun.  We had so many adventures. One of them was baking my very first cake. Okay okay it was box cake but still, the firsttime i put something in the oven to bake.  Since a couple days before was the bestie’s bday, it worked out great.

Update on my Doggie:

So my mother lent me her in case of emergency credit card for Bianca’s vet bill.  I feel so much relief now that she had her yearly check up. She got all four shots. She got a snap/combo test to test for disease such as Lyme disease ( we had  a bad flea and tick  season). She got blood work done to check everything out.  We gave a stool sample. And  the Vet checked her out thoroughly.  Listened to all her organs, her little heart and lungs and her stomach and her bladder.  Checked all her joints and  lady parts ( Bianca isn’t spayed). I inquired about the hair loss ( it started to grow back already) and the vet confirmed what i thought , a flea allergy. They also confirmed why i had a flea problem to begin with, i received a bad dose of Front Line. They explained to me its not that vets are trying to make you go broke.. it’s they get the medication directly from a manufacturer.  Pet stores and stores online …someone buys from the manufacturer  and then sells to these stores meanwhile the stuff isn’t stored properly and it ages.  I also got Bianca’s heart worm prevention medication.  The vet complimented my caring for Bianca ( she noticed she is bathed frequently with oatmeal shampoo, she didn’t have to clean Bianca’s ears cause i clean them at home, and she noticed improvement in Bianca’s teeth since I started brushing them when I got her, a year ago. )  Since my mother just bought Bianca new flea medication ( Advantix) and it’s working I didn’t need to buy more but i think in the future I will just dish out the extra money and buy directly from a vet. Bianca got her nail trimmed too.  And my little champ didn’t even cry when she got her shots. Oh she cried in the waiting room. Was trying to swan dive jump off the vet’s metal examine table. But when the vet helper held biance still and the vet started giving the four shots Bianca stood still and took it.  What a champ. I wasn’t with her for the blood work. But, she seems fine. Look at my little  champ with her battle wounds. She looks so cute with her bandaged paw.

Update on my tech problems

So, my laptop is setting off on an adventure.

Friday i took my laptop back to the store in which it was purchased. Turns out, i have a 3 year contract for parts and labor. So, i shouldn’t have to pay a penny. But, I’m not  holding my breathe on that part.

We have a guy. At the store. We always go to him for our purchases.  If there is a deal, he will make sure we get it.  He gets to list us on the sales transaction to help reach his commissions quota. It works out. So, i felt a little chastised when  he was flipping my laptop back and forth giving it the once over.  I remember when he SOLD it to me and here we are, little over a year later, and he’s checking to see the quality of the product. If i have taken good care of it.

I should of cleaned it before i brought it in.

Now, on my receipt I have to look at the comments of ” smudges and dust on screen”.

So, stroke of luck, their warehouse company is already scheduled to make a pick up Monday. My laptop will thus be sent off Monday on a journey to geek headquarters, I mean their software warehouse.   Once they fix the laptop they will send it back to my local store. Meanwhile, I’m supposed to receive text messages updates.

All i can think is my baby is off on an adventure.  I feel guilty for being so attached to an object. But, you know what it is.. it’s the first nice thing that was mine and mines alone. I never owned my own desktop. It was either a shared computer in my parents house or a shared computer with the hubby. The hubby got his laptop before mine so he relinquished rights to the PC to me. But, it’s all full of HIS stuff.  So when my dad said he wanted to buy me a laptop i was giddy. I remember the first time i used it.. i didn’t even care to log onto to facebook. You know what i did? I put the pinkest , girliest background ever. Just because I didn’t have to be considerate to someone else.  Cause, i’m not even THAT girlie. But, just cause i COULD…. i did.

Naturally, i inquired how long i would be separated from my baby. The guy told me 10 days or so. I was thinking upwards along a month, so I’ll take 10 days…but like i said before.. i’m not holding my breath or anything.

For now, I learned I’m a weak, sad soul. I could not survive without checking my blog and keeping up to date with all the blogs I follow  I dont use facebook that much anymore. It was mostly the attachment to this blog.  So, i dusted off the ol PC…ungated the corner… and put a chair in front of the desk. Now, I’m hunched over cause there isn’t room in this corner to properly position the chair. It’s badly lit in this corner.  And a tad bit dusty since I havent been doing the through dusting to this corner since it’s been gated off…just that half fast dusting. So, this sad soul is over here buckled over in a dark corner , nose twitching, to get her wordpress fix. I think I have a problem.


Lights Out

Most likely  will be going dark for a little bit. Laptop is on the fritz. So, I’m going to try to not use it and further damage it( says the girl, sitting here typing this via laptop). I have a warranty , i think it hasn’t expired yet. But, going to a job fair tomorrow so i wont be able to try to take it back to P.C. Richard & Son until Friday maybe weekend. And I will only be able to get it fixed if its free/covered by the warranty. Mostly likely they will send it off to be repaired so there may be a time lapse. Still ,fingers crossed for getting it fixed.

I do have a PC. But, the PC isn’t in tip top shape either. It’s been the “work horse” since before the hubby and I even met ( 6 years ago we met, been dating for 5). Constantly gaming, downloading, watching movies, programs…that PC has been through hell. And i gate off the PC corner of my room cause of this one “angel” doggie who shall remain nameless . She took a liking to running under there and its a hassle to get her out. But, it’s also where the power source for all our tech gear is… the hubby’s gaming systems, the tv, the cable …etc. Lots of wires. Thus, gated to keep her from electrocuting herself and/or damaging goods.  So, I guess I can peek in but it’s such a hassle to ungate and clear out all the clutter I hid behind the gate lol. Maybe it’s a good things. Take a little break from technology and read a book ( I’m an avid reader but I have commitment issues. I always take a hiatus from reading after i finish a series. I can’t say goodbye to the previous world and can’t settle into a new one , I start like 3 or 4 books before i finally pick one). Also, I can dust off my journal and write them. Just because it’s lights out doesnt mean the writing has to stop.

On the diet front, I’m still on this journey and looking forward to sharing my experience with you.

Stay tuned my friends. Hopefully, my laptop is fine and you can go on and ignore this post. 🙂

A Perfect World

Week 11 Diet Day 73 Monday September 17th 2012- Week 13 Day 92 Sunday October 6th 2012

With the start of a new week, I really and truly wanted to do better. Get strict again.  But then the walls around me started to crumble…literally.

Oh the plumbing escapades that ensued. Now, the people that know me in real life can tell you this isn’t the first time we had …problems…. in this house. It isn’t even the 3rd. Maybe the 5th or 6th? I’m starting to loose count.

In a perfect world it would be a quick fix. But it never is. We use a licensed plumber but it’s his side business so it’s just him. My hubby stands in, acting as his assistant to help. What do I do? Well not much while they are actually working. Mostly, wrangle my dog, Bianca, from getting dirty pipe water or ceiling/wall debris in her fur. But when they finish working for the day? Yup, you guessed it. The cleanup is my duty.  At least this time it was a bathtub/ sink  plumbing problem. So there was very little water spillage for me to clean up. The last time when it was my brother’s TOILET drain pipe that needed replacing? Ugh.  I felt forever unclean for weeks. I never showered so much in my entire life.

Anyway, this is what my days composed of.  My diet schedule was out the window. I was running off of coffee mostly. Then a regular but semi healthy dinner.

Finally, a few days later, everything was fixed and put back into their rightful places.

I can get back onto my diet/ schedule/ exercise routine.

Yeah. Cause that would be a perfect world. Instead, what happened next is my hormones took over.
I wanted chocolate. And I wanted it now.

Yup that’s right. My time of the month.

 (Male readers feel free to skip this part if its TMI, but I will be writing more “regular” stuff to this entry so don’t stop reading entirely)

As I wrote about in one of my earlier entries, I’ve always had problems with my menstrual cycle.  Exercising has been “activating” my cycle.  But, it’s still all types of messed up.   I had my period a week before I started my health thing. A few days in and I got it again. But, it was a light cycle and only lasted a few days. Since then? I have had two episodes of spotting.  I would feel and think I’m getting my period but I would just spot for a couple days. I would work out and the “flow” will regulate a little bit. But then I would go to sleep and wake up in the morning and it would ease up and back  to spotting.

Kind of like what I was going through BEFORE my health thing. Like my irregular cycle was fighting to replace this new menstrual cycle. It’s frustrating but at the same time I’m letting my body wage its own war.

And this week, it was freaky bloody.  Sorry if that’s gross. But, there was no question, ifs ,ands or butts if I got my menstrual cycle. Oh, it was here.  It was painful. It was never ending. I longed for my once every 3 months irregular cycle during this time. And my emotions?!I was just a big walking stereotype this week.  I was HUNGRY, I was emotional, I was tired and I was so easily set off. I hate the lack of control.  I isolated myself this week.

I took my deranged hormone self and put it in bed ( when I could, I still have chores and a household to run and people ( and a dog ) to tend too) and just hid behind the computer screen, applying to jobs online. At least that was something good to come out of the craziness, getting some applications sent out.

I was glad when this week ended cause it was an end to the madness.


So, I started feeling normal again and returning to civilization. My mother was hassling my father to get a flu shot and then when she found it was free with health insurance she moved on to hassling me.

So I outweighed my options, the never ending pestering of my mother or being sick? I’ll pick being sick anytime. Plus, I am hoping for a job. So I figured I would get the flu shot, and if I got sick from it at least it will be now being home and unemployed.

The receptionist for the pharmacy was actually EXCITED to see me.  She crooned over me and put me in a waiting room. I didn’t contemplate or wonder why she would be excited or why they put me in their ONE waiting room when they’re chairs directly in front of the pharmacy.

That little voice of reason in my head did start to whisper after I got bored and started reading the pamphlets they gave me with a list of what to expect, what the flu shot is and the side effects that may happen.

It was then I realized they put me in the waiting room so I wouldn’t walk right the fuck out of the store.

Luckily, or unluckily for me, the pharmacist ( I assume)  came it and gave me the shot in under 30 seconds and then with a coupon book and a have a nice day I was out of Rite Aid and walking home before I felt the pang where the shot was given.

I felt good for a while. Felt like I was taking care of myself and was motivated to go back to the doctors. I haven’t been in over a year, last year actually when I got sick with the flu/bronchitis. I was moving about preparing dinner and walking around my house with a little pep in my step thinking I did something healthy for myself.  I wouldn’t even get sick.

Like I said, only in a perfect world.

While I was preparing dinner I started to feel hot. Like really hot.  Next thing I know I’m standing outside (it was chilly outside) fanning my shirt drenched in sweat thinking I’m going crazy.  I realized it was one of the nifty side effects from the flu shot.

The next day I woke up and lo and behold I had the flu.

So this week, I walked around in a fog of sickness. I wish I had the liberty to just be sick but even being home, I’m in charge of cooking and cleaning and house hold chores and care taking of my father and my fiancée. Not to mention my doggie.  So, sick as I was, I still was fussing over something, doing something all day long. But, I just didn’t have it in me to work out.  I guess I did a soup diet this week because that was all I could really stomach.  Last week I did indulge in junk but this week, it was strictly soupy.
This week couldn’t end fast enough for me.

For the first time in a while, I wondered what could go wrong next week. I figured all the hindering, road blocking events to my diet and exercises HAVE to have passed. So nothing could possibly be an excuse or stoppage from getting strict next week.

Oh cause that would just make this a perfect world….

That weekend, we got a sidewalk violation.
SO Friday, Saturday and Sunday was spent tending to the sidewalk.

On the plus side… I got to see the hubby in work pants, work boots, a tank top with his muscles pulsing, sweat dripping while he was sledge hammering concrete.  I could barely contain my drool. Technically, he isn’t allowed to do manual labor…like at all.  But at the moment, I couldn’t care less.  For that moment, staring at him, reminiscent of when I first met him always working with his hands , I could PRETEND it WAS a perfect world.


Week 9 Day 59 Monday September 3rd 2012-  Week 10 Day 72 Sunday September 16th 2012

Welcome to the black hole of my diet days. It’s not that I stopped my diet…it’s just much more relaxed.   I still diet. I eat a bit more liberally, not so restricted.   I’m sort of doing the oatmeal thing for breakfast, salad or healthy sandwich for lunch, and a small portion of regular but healthy food for dinner. Still no junk at this point.
What’s really going on, my head isn’t in the game. I’ve been feeling pretty down lately. I haven’t been working out much, random work out here or there, randomly going to a park a day here or a day there. But, still not consistent like before.

I stopped weighing myself weekly but every so often I get on the scale. I’m maintaining my weight. It hasn’t changed – up or down.

So, not much to report or relay. It’s just my heart and mind is tired.  Not necessarily of the diet just the way things are in my personal life.

All the energy and time I have been putting into myself with this diet and exercise…the food prep, the work out , the planned meal times, the food shopping…. I’m taking that time and investing into job hunting.

I don’t feel guilty about it. I’m trying so very hard to get a job.  I feel guilty if I don’t search and apply for something daily. I just can’t stay home without an income anymore.

For those that know me, know I don’t hold money in high regards. I’m still that free spirited hippy soul. I much rather spend my life volunteering for free in a hospital with sick kids or visit the elderly in nursing homes.  When I day dream about winning the lottery( come on we all had this day dream, I’m not the only one) or something…it’s not so I can stay home and be lazy and live this extreme extravagant lifestyle. It so I can volunteer. I can give to charity. I can spend some days working with animal rescue groups. I can spend other days in the hospitals. I can have the capability to financial assist others that were like me… in my predicament. But, I don’t want to sit at home and write a check to this and that. NO. I want to be out there. Meet people. Hug animals. Get in the grit of things and get my hands dirty. Instead, I have to focus on a 9 to 5 job that pays decent enough I can afford to help my mother pay some bills, pay for commuting /work expenses and save a little bit so I can go back to school.

Reality is depressing.

But, that’s adult hood.

So, I’m trying my best to gracefully transition my heart to cooperate. The only way I know how is by just acting and not feeling. I’m putting the effort, following my brain.  Thus, I’ve been spending my days, a big portion of my days. job hunting.

It’s not a waste.  I don’t consider this a break of my health thing. I’m maintaining and still making better decision about what I stuff in my face. It’s just …reality.

I have to find work. So, just as much effort and energy I put into my health thing, I’m putting into searching. I achieved so much with my health thing… I’m stronger and fitter. I got a lot of jiggle left but my sizzle is starting to come back.  The weight I lost ( 25 pounds) has stayed off. I’m not finished with this journey!

So don’t abandon me, my readers.  I’m going to keep doing my thing.  Like I said before, I’m trying to get healthy. In all aspects…this includes mentally. I need to fix my personal life/financial life. It’s part of the mental battle.

So yes, the health this is still on even if I don’t exercise every day. But, I will work my way back to that routine once I cross over these few land mines.

Food is just a small battle in this war.
And I’m waging a war on all fronts, causing a Riot.
Cause I’m worth it.

Acceptable Level of Fat

My fitness guru is kind of an ass. But, he’s family and deep down, like WAY deep down, he is a nice person.  So, I’m used to him and his outrageous judgment and critiques of complete strangers.  He is never rude to a person’s face, he barely even speaks to people aloud he is so socially awkward. We ended up talking about what we always talk about, fat people. I was arguing with him because he said people LET themselves get fat. I told him to shut up, you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life.  Plus, we were at the track and if a person made the effort to go to a public park and just MOVE ( I don’t care if you’re walking, jogging, running or hell even crawling your still out MOVING and trying)then obviously they are trying to do something about their health.

I didn’t know I got fat.  I mean I knew I was big. But, I didn’t know I was that size I was. And in an odd way, I always thought I was big. Even when I was thin.

I know , I know.  Not making a lot of sense here. But, that’s the point. In high school I was pretty thin. I believe I was down to a size 7. But I look at those clothes now (I still have them) and they look like shirts my niece would wear they are so tiny.

The main reason I didn’t know I was fat? I have a hubby. He doesn’t see me in terms of my weight. He doesn’t care.  We aren’t judgmental to each other.

But society is pretty damn judgmental. Society is even harder on fat people especially if you’re not in the acceptable level of fat. You know what I’m talking about. The right amount of boob to stomach proportion . The boobs have to be bigger! The right ratio of double chin to double neck. You still have distinction! If you can still take a meticulous poised picture at just the right angle. That’s society’s acceptance  level for fat people.

I never did, and still don’t hold myself to society’s standards of beauty.  I’m sure I’m judged by the way I look by…everyone in society. But, like I said… I have a hubby. I walk around outside in my own little oblivious bubble. I’m not looking to meet a lover, or even meet new friends. I’ll smile and wave at people I see every day. If someone talks to me to ask a question I’m polite and courteous. But typically I’m in my own little world when I’m outside.  I could care less what people think of me. When I was in school? I’m sure students judged me. But, I could care less. I went to class, I did my work.  Most of the time I had student groups for the majority of my classes and the people I associated with genuinely thought I was a nice person or smart and thus spent time with me too via student groups or class partners. Maybe my world view would be different if I didn’t have my hubby? I doubt it. I was always the free spirited hippy chick who was all hearts and bubbles all the time that was kind to a fault. I never judged myself or others by their number. Maybe maturing into a adult alone and without a love would have tainted that. I like to think not. But either way, I matured with a love and with it I brought a confidence. But, that confidence was only empowered because underneath it all, I didn’t define myself by society’s standards.

This my appeal to all you ladies out there.  Don’t judge yourself like society judges you. I know it’s not easy. I had an advantage finding a man that loves me for me. But, even without that , it all would mean nothing if I didn’t open my heart to loving myself first.  Love yourself in your own skin.
You can change your appearance. You can change your weight. But your insides? They’re  with you no matter who comes and who goes in your life.

You need to be happy alone.

Cause we are born alone and we die alone.

But always, always, you have yourself.

Accept yourself.


Week 8
Day 52- August 27th– Day 58 Sunday September 2nd

The only thing noteworthy for this week is Wednesday.  This is the day I found myself at a crossroad.  Literally.

My bestie came to spend the day with me.  I love when she visits me. Plus, considering this falls under the  “ two weeks of hell”  that I wrote about in my previous entry…her comfort and distraction was definitely needed.  It was a lovely reprieve that really grounded me.

The best part?

We didn’t do anything over the moon. We went to the supermarket and did some light diet food shopping. When we came back to my house we chit chatted and were just…domesticated. We cooked turkey burgers and went through my ritual of cleaning the fruits and cutting them up and putting everything in dishes.

Afterwards, we went to the park. I love going to the park with my besties because we do the hiking trails, not the regular asphalt trail I do when I’m alone. Sure the asphalt trail I use is pretty, woods on either side. But I use it because it’s populated. After all, I am a girl. Gotta take some precautions.

What was even more fabulous about today?

The hubby came with us.

As soon as we hit the asphalt I told them I was going to jog a little to the bridge (there is a long asphalt path that leads from the avenue past the handball courts and running track to a bridge that marks the start of the actual trail). They both said they wanted to jog as well. So we all set off at the same time. As I wrote about in a previous entry, I’m starting my jogging pace as little old person slow, but steady. Eventually, work my way up to a full runners jog( that’s the goal remember, to jog on the beach).

So I’m two stepping along merrily, without much effort and strain. But, these two? They takeoff full throttle. I quickly fall behind. I had a smile on face.

I jog over the bridge, still breathing normal and full of energy to find my bestie and my hubby panting and leaning on the concrete rail of the bridge. They burned out.

I couldn’t help but feel smug.

After catching their breath we started off in the actual hiking trail within the woods. It didn’t even  feel like exercise. We were just being goofy and having a great time. Whenever there was a straight path ahead of us (no curves) I would jog a head to the end and then jog back to meet them.  Hey it is in the middle of the woods, didn’t want to wander off too far.

This is where things get interesting. The  trial in general ( the asphalt I usually use ) has a midway point with an entrance/exit back to the hustle and bustle of the street.  Naturally, the hiking trail ends at this midway point as well. BUT, there are more hiking trails in the second stretch of the asphalt trail. Following me? Not sure I’m explaining this for people who don’t know what this park looks like. Grew up here, lived here, all my life so it’s imprinted on my memory.

The thing is there are also horse trails in this second part of the trail. So we set off following the horse trail or the hiking trail…not sure which one cause they crisscross. At first everything was okay. But then…things started to get…natural.  There was more bush and nature. The worn path ways and trails started to fade. Some parts were like climbing ruins. That’s when things started to get scary.

And this is why my bestie is my bestie.

About an hour into this hike, she turned to me said “if we get lost in these woods, I’ll give you a half hour cause I love you, but I’m going to eat you. Survival. Desperate times calls for desperate measures”

Thankfully, the hubby was with us. Part of my freak out was worrying about him. With his sickness and low exercise stamina, I was just thinking  “ I can’t  carry him out of these woods”. But, having him there, the survival expert, was comforting.

The trail we took ended up taking us deep into the park. It actually took us to another borough. I’m from Queens, and we reached a part of the trail where were saw a highway, and I saw the highway sign reading Brooklyn exits.   Hearing the sounds of cars and having an idea of where we were was comforting.

Then the “path” was winding and winding and taking us deeper into the woods.

Then, we found ourselves at the crosswords.

I blurted out “I’m not deciding which way. Babe you pick”.  I threw down my leadership card so fast but I can’t even muster up an ounce of shame. I’ll do it again in a heartbeat.  If my chance of survival depended on MY instincts vs. the hubby’s? I’ll pick his anytime. I wouldn’t be surprise if he started sharpening tree branches with his naturally fanged tooth or his chipped front toot even.  He’s that kind of guy. Military brat too.

Without hesitation he picked a direction and the two of us followed him like little children. Shortly after, we stumbled out of the woods onto the halfway point of the trail. Don’t know how we ended up back there when we entered future down. But we were exhausted and plumped ourselves down in benches. We sat there staring at people going about their lives nonchalantly. Meanwhile, the three of us had this epic , emotionally charged adventure.  But, the world kept on turning while we endured our little woodland trauma.  Truly remarkable.

When then realized it was a bad idea to rest cause getting up and the walk home was a mission.  Surprisingly though, we didn’t hurt.  We weren’t sore.   We just didn’t have any energy left in us. We were just tired. Not sleepy. Tired. Drained of life.  Nothing helped too. It was hard to kick the feeling.

As a result, for the rest of the week I didn’t do squat for exercise.

And I didn’t even care.

My doggie


A reader asked me to see pictures of the one and only Bianca…lol. I swear my doggie could rule the world…if only she could speak. Here are two pictures of pure cuteness.

Bianca  after a bath

Bianca lounging with her cute sweater that cost 5 bucks!







Hakuna Matata

September29th 2012 – Thought for the day ( not diet related).

There is something in the air today.  I was chatting with a friend early this morning talking about I think it’s time.
And it is.

We’re quitting vices ( i prefer to keep what it is private, nothing crazy, normal stuff). And personally, i believe broke people shouldn’t have vices. But the hubby just walked into the room and says ” it feels like a new day… like things are going to start getting better”

I couldn’t help the smile that crept  up.  I was responding to him  ” I hope so” when he says “LISTEN LISTEN YOU HEAR THAT”

We stop and listen.

Birds were chirping and singing.

We smile at each other. The hubby  says  “Hakuna Matata” and leaves the room , and I’m left with a smile on my face.

It reminds me of the a few weeks ago i was walking to the store when  a bug flew RIGHT into my face and fell onto my chest ( tee shirt was covering my skin). It was a lady bug.  Lady bugs are supposed to be good look. Momentarily stunned, the lady bug just laid on my shirt and I didn’t want to flick it off , thus flicking off the good luck. But my heebee jeebies for creepy crawlies overpowered and as  I was about to flick it off me, it got up and flew away. I walked home thinking “Shoot, I don’t mind getting slapped in the face with some good luck right about now”.

I don’t expect  random salvation. But, today we feel….hope. And belief.  It’s been a long time .

But, it’s a brand new day. On this dark, chilly, fall day things are starting to look bright.

All I Got Left

[Authors Note: this is more a personal /my life entry and rant than a “diet” entry.  Didn’t plan it that way, it just happened when I started typing and I figured I would just post it.  It’s healthy to get this stuff out which is part of the whole health plan isn’t it? Part of everything I’ve been saying- it’s not just physical and about food. It’s emotional. It’s mental.  It’s spiritual.  You have to take care of yourself in all aspects to really invest into a healthy being. Writing this rant really showed me how much I keep locked away and how unhealthy it is.

Also, I know the quote is from the bible, I’m not religious…I’m a reader. I just really like the quote. ]


“And I looked,and behold a pale horse:
and his name that sat upon him was Death,
and Hell followed with him.
And power was given unto them
over the fourth part of the earth,
to kill with sword,
and with hunger,
and with the beasts
of the earth.”
The Holy Bible
The Book of Revelation
Chapter 6

This quote  is depicting the  arrival of the  Riders of the Apocalypse  and onset of Armageddon.  How fitting.  A perfect interpretation for the annual arrival of my mother’s brother for his two week visit.  Every year, it feels the same, if not worse than the previous year.   My literal feelings aren’t warm and welcoming, more like expectant.  I feel like a crusader, waiting to greet a great evil and battle for righteousness regardless if doomsday has been foretold. Dramatic, I know. But, you want honesty.

Welcome to my two weeks of hell.


My exercise routine took a great hit during this time. I spent the majority of my time playing referee. Or a more fitting description is a dog herding cattle.  I was chasing my father down half the time, trying to bring him inside the house and stop or take a break from “home projects”.

Every year this guy( my uncle) comes here under the pretense to spend time with my grandfather( his father).  But, his old ass just raids the garage and comes up with makeshift work.  This year, he decided to knock down the pool (it has been inactive for years) and knock down the connecting deck piece.  Every fucking day as soon as my mother and brother are pulling out of the driveway he is shuffling up the driveway to start working. Hammering, drilling, sawing.  Noise. For hours and hours.

Now, this is an old dude that had both right and left knee replacement surgery, heart surgery, and two strokes, one of the stroke debilitating. He isn’t allowed to do manual labor.  His wife doesn’t let him do anything but keep a little garden. Yet, he comes here and does whatever he oh so pleases.  And he has exactly that attitude…feeling he is entitled, better.

He is an ass. Even his own son doesn’t speak to him. I used to be able to ignore him for two weeks. But, each year it gets worse and worse. This year, he dragged my dad into his makeshift work and if it wasn’t bad enough he was doing this type of work, he was doing it nonstop. My father can’t take that kind of strain, especially after his heart problems/stroke.   Telling this guy to stop or no doesn’t work. Yelling doesn’t either. But if he wants to kill himself, then by all means that’s his prerogative. But, leave my father out of it.

And he steals.  Every year he raids my fiancée’s tool box. Now, as you all know my hubby  has been sick for almost two years now ( it’s a year and half ) . Last year a bunch of stuff went missing from the tool box.  I still haven’t found the tools. Can tools make it past TSA? Cause I swear he took it with him.

Well, it  happened again this year. But, the hubby locks his tool box. He puts zip ties around the hinges so it can’t open. They were cut.  The hubby doesn’t use those tools regularly…it’s his work tools. Better, higher end , durable work tools. What’s a mechanic without his tools? That’s why he keeps the tool box in the garage, under a pile of stuff hidden and locked- to preserve them. He has other tools for work that may come up, a few odd screwdrivers and hammers and ratchet set…the basics he may need to fix something on a car.  It’s not like we have money to replace stuff or buy new stuff. When he is physically able, he wants to go back to his manual labor mechanic work. He would need his tools. Now, half of it is missing.

But, what really put me over the edge. Last year when my uncle was here the hubby was still on Chemo. He was chemo sick- a really nasty stint of chemo sick actually. My uncle calls my hubby down to the garage and TELLS( doesn’t ask, tells) him to help him. My hubby politely said no and my uncle went off on him saying “What good are you”  “When I was your age I was working two jobs” and stuff that like. I was livid.
My blood boils just thinking about.
Anyway , this got more rant-y than I anticipated.

My point is, I was dealing with this for two weeks on top of stress and worry about the hubby’s benefits and his health ( he has been really sick, went 3 days without eating).  Problems and problems. Nothing can ever go smoothly.
Also, the new worry about finding a job. I was job hunting  before , true. But, not seriously.  I would apply to something sporadically. But, now  I REALLY need a job, need an income- my parents are barely hanging on by a thread. Things are tough. I want to go back to school. Well I want to go to a certification school first before I got back to finish my degree( I have an AA, I want a BA minimum  , but want to go all the way to PHD) . I want the certification to set  a foundation in a career/work experience. You see, it’s a little more tricky planning a future in my situation cause ,well ,my fiancée does have cancer. I need a sound work history, I need flexibility and I need to be able to be self-sufficient.  Hopefully not, but most likely there will be a time in our future where he is sick again and I will have to be the financial support.   But even short term, like RIGHT NOW, I need to contribute to my parents. I need to pay my way through school. I need to save as well.  Doing a certification will allow me to acquire a better job than a regular bullshit job. I’m looking into medical billing and coding…it’s a popular in demand field. But most importantly is something I can do any town, any state since moving is definitely in our future. The hubby’s parents live in Texas, my parents are moving to North Carolina as soon as my dad qualifies for Medicare OR they can afford to pay out of pocket for health insurance.  Considering the hubby’s cancer, we have to be either close to his family or mine. We will need help.

So, considering all that, now  I make sure to apply to something daily.  Seriously search and apply.
Some days maybe I spend 2 hours registering to companies or websites and applying. Other days I spent a good late morning/whole afternoon  looking ( I wake up early, not like I sleep in everyday but I have my morning routine of walking and feeding my dog, making sure my dad ate, clean up the breakfast mess and then take care of myself with breakfast and coffee).

My intention is to get any job for right now with a decent pay where I’m making more than paying for my commute to and from work.  Not looking to start off with a high end paying job, just enough to contribute a little something to my parents and pursue a certification training problem ( you have to pay for it). Once I get a certification, get a better job and pay my way through the rest of school.  Long process and it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but, the only way to get there is by starting on the journey. So every day I spend time trying.

I guess that’s all one can do.


It’s taking all I got left in me.

But, I’m trying.

A Gift As Is

Week 7
Day 45 Monday August 20, 2012 –   Day 51  Sunday August 26th

I started going to the park again.  It wasn’t as consistent as before, but it was frequent and something momentous happened.

Remember a few weeks ago I mentioned I jogged for the first time in …forever?  Well, that was short lived. My knee started to scream and for a whole week I was walking around like Doctor House. I was gimp and walking like a pimp.  When my knee finally stopped hurting I wanted to jog again. But, under consideration and talking to my fitness guru about why my knee even got hurt in the first place, I decided against it. Why? Well, because we decided it was just too much too soon. I was just too fat. Too much weight and pressure on my already weak knees. Which is why I got so hurt.  I’m not talking about regular work out pain, I’m talking about my knee was hurting so bad it brought tears to my eyes. I had to double wrap it and alternate between heat and icing it. So for the past couple of weeks I settled for a consistent power walk.  I walked as fast as I could, never faltering from the pace.

So Week 7 and I was mid power  walk in the trail in the park when I see a girl.  She looked young. Maybe my age (24).  She was twice my size, literally. And she was jogging.

Now, I mean this respectfully- but I saw her and thought she was much bigger than me how does she do it and I can’t (I know everyone is different, but still)? So I’m walking and thinking and walking and thinking and I came to a conclusion. From Monday’s weigh in I lost a total of 25 pounds since week one. That’s 20 pounds lighter since I jogged and got injured. I feel stronger and feel like I’ve acquired more stamina. And that’s a lot less weight on my body and hopefully on my joints. If this girl, twice my size, can do it… why can’t I?

So, I just tried it and I jogged. But, I did it right this time. I didn’t full out jog with all my speed and might. I took small steps and at a moderate but consistent speed and jogged slowly but steady. It was incredible.  I jogged further and longer than I ever have and I didn’t feel strain on my knees and joints.

Seeing that lady jog really gave me a push. I know it sounds bad “she’s fatter than me, so I can do it” but I mean it in a good way. I’m honestly happy for her and her abilities. I don’t begrudge her or look down on her. But there is a difference from healthy, slim people telling you what to do to exercise and lose weight and someone who is fat, big or obese doing something. It’s instructional. It’s motivational. It’s encouraging.  Most of all, it’s the push you need. Confidence building.  WE can do it ( note the capitalization and significance of WE).

I’m just thankful I saw her. I could have been looking for a song on my ipod and never saw her. I could of left earlier or later to go to the park and missed her completely. The lady herself probably had a long road to that moment too, maybe she finally gained the confidence to go out in public alone and work out. So many factors. But, we both were there at that moment in time at the exact same time to share a smile and unknowingly to her, motivation.  If you’re a religious person this is where you can insert your divine intervention. But, for me. I’ll just take the gift as is.  Acknowledge it, accept it and be thankful for it.

Thank you, lady in the park.


~wandering through life in my time never know where it will stop next~


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